10 Ways To Separate The Boys From The Men

Steven James Dixon December 15, 2010 Comments

Women do not know how to pick men. They pick the man of their dreams. Then they try to make McDreamy come alive in their reality. The reality is that it is estimated that 95% of women want to date the top 5% of men. Stop dreaming. Meanwhile men are willing to date darn near anybody who can twerk it right. So when you see a happily married couple and the wife is busted but the brother is a pretty boy, light-skindid with brown eyes, a brother that would be in your top 5%. Don’t say how did she get him? It wasn’t her. It was him doing something that you will never do. He relaxed his visual requirement a bit so that he could find some one that he thought he could build a strong marriage with.

Now I am not saying settle. I am suggesting that you date on your level. Find your level, date there. You are not perfect, neither will he be. Having the most money, has nothing to do with how successful one is in marriage. Anybody can make money. Go get your own money. Tall men sometimes make short kids. Pretty boys can’t fight and I have seen some ugly light-skindid babies. It is time for women to start looking at the CORE of a man. Look at what is inside of a man. His morals, his ethics, his judgment, his spirit. Stop looking at him or at his wallet or at his house or at his car and look in him. This is what you are looking for:

10. Look for a man that knows how to be “The Man”
This maybe a tad bit more difficult for some who don’t have the strong Father figure but I allow no excuses. If you don’t have a Father figure you know that right now, you have known that for some time. Go find out what a man is before you get into a bad relationship. Take some responsibility. (You know what, just keep reading  this article. This article shall meet your educational credit. Pop Quiz to come.) Example #1: Your car breaks down, he shows no concern, he does not offer to help. You bounce. Even the mechanically challenged man knows that the car is the man’s responsibility. A man that is the biggest ho on earth still knows that as a man he is in charge of safety. And I don’t care what level of dating you are on. If ya’ll just met tonight and your car breaks down leaving the club and you call him and he don’t show in prove, bounce. Example #2: You bring your man home for the holidays. Dinner is ready, you and momma are moving the other table from the living room into the dining room so every body can eat in one room. You and momma pick up a set of chairs and a table and carry it across the room in front of your man setting on the couch maxing and relaxing. He don’t move, he don’t eat. Food, you, nothing, it’s a wrap.

9. Look for a man that is looking for a woman
Not a skeezer, not a trick, not a ho. If he tries to hit it on the first date either he is not looking for a woman or he doesn’t think that you are one. If you want a relationship, don’t settle for dating, just be friends. Being friends with a man first and maintaining your respect will get you to a relationship a lot faster than the occasional sex you give up waiting for a title. (I think that I have properly set the tone now. Let’s continue.)

8. Look for a man that is not broken.
I didn’t say broke. I said broken, meaning, his spirit, his wallet and his heart. If he don’t have faith in GOD to get him back on his feet, if he don’t have a plan to fix his wallet and he is emotionally unstable (“Men Don’t Heal, We Ho” – A Book About the Emotional Instability in Men. Available now on an internet near you – http://www.RelationshipBeast.com) beat-your-feet. He can’t take care of you if he can’t take care of himself. I didn’t say broke, got to tell ya’ll twice sometimes. A man being broke is not an excuse for not giving a man a shot. Money can be made. It comes and it goes. The problem with a lot of you ladies is that you are so busy looking at a brother’s pocket that you miss the potential in him. He could be about to “GET MONEY”. Broke brothers stand up! I’ve been broke before, look at me now! LOOK . . . AT . . . ME . . . NOW!!!!!

Evaluate the man. An evaluation is about where he was yesterday, where he is today and where he will be tomorrow. Whenever I meet a sistah that is dating a brother that is broke the first question I ask her is, “Do you believe in him?” The second question I ask her is, “Did he have money and lost it some way?” The third question is, . . . look, you saw the shameless plug, get the book.

7. Look for a Mailman.
That Mailman thingy is a play on words. I am nice with these words. The reference to mailman here is in regards to a man that can deliver the required message to his family. Whether this message needs to be a positive message or a negative message. So when my wife came home and said that she had been laid off that day, I said “We will be fine, I hated that job for you anyway. Dang job stressing my baby out.” What I really wanted to say was “Do you have anything that we can sell or pawn?”

When my wife came home and said, “We are expecting.” I had news too, bad news. I had been laid off that day. Again, I told her, “We will be fine.” I deliver the mail baby! Word is bond son!

Sadly I must report that the words, “We can’t afford that.” Are quite popular at my house. But there are enough times where the words “WOW! Thank you!” are also uttered. Look for a man that can be responsible for maintaining a financial balance in the home. If I tell my wife that “I ain’t got it,” I know in advance that she was about to ask for it and my plan is already in motion on how to get it for here. She knows that.

6. Look for a man that knows how to handle a woman
Ya’ll get out of line sometime with that mouf and that lose neck. Find that man that is not going to take the bait. The one that is not going to argue with you every time you want to argue. The one that can calmly say to you “Baby, when you are ready to have a conversation about your concern holla at your man.” Look for a strong brother that can put you in your place. (This means that you have to know your place – 10 Ways to go from Girlfriend to Wife.”) Don’t give me the, “I can’t find a brother like that.” There are brothers out there like this, he just may not be in your Top 5% and if you can’t find one, that means that you mustn’t be in the Top 5% either. (Let me just re-set the tone.)

5. Look for a man that knows how to let a woman be a woman.
If you have to be less of a woman to be with a man, wrong man. (Women, know what a woman is.) Look for a man that allows you to run the household. The problem with a lot of marriages today is that our roles are reversed, crossed or not well defined. My wife chooses the furniture – after I set a budget. My wife decides on what is for dinner – after I make suggestions. My wife is the Director of Child Rearing at the crib – I set the boundaries and the goals (and hand out “The Smackdown” on my son). Make sure that your womanhood and role is carved out in the relationship. I feel the need to provide more examples of this:

I went out and purchased a table and chairs for the breakfast nook when we moved into our new home – She did not talk to me for two weeks, I took the table and chairs back. I was minding her business.

I set a budget for some rugs around the house. She bought rugs that I didn’t like. She bought some rugs that she liked. I said to my wife “You stayed with in the budget?” My wife responded, “Yeap, go head on to your office or game room or somewhere.” She gets to make decisions too. Look for a man that knows what decisions are woman’s decisions. You define what are woman’s decisions to you. You gain this ability to decide by meeting all “10 Ways to go from Girlfriend to Wife.”

Final example, my son had been sick for a couple of weeks. The Doctor prescribed a stronger steroid. My wife said, “No more steroids for my son”. I said, “I trust the professional opinion of the Doctor that you chose.” I made my opinion known, she decides. She decides because that is the role that we carved out for her. I am a dominant man but I empower my woman.

4. Look for a man that does not mind helping out around the house.
True story: I wrote about 15 points for this article and decided that I didn’t like 7 of them so I cut ‘em. So I was down to 9 and I needed one more point. I took a break to go and put a load of clothes in the washer. BINGO!

Keeping up with the daily household chores is hard work. Especially when you have a full time job. Especially when you got them kids running around and it’s dinner time. If you got a man that gets off work and plops himself in front of the couch until dinner and then after dinner he plops himself back on the couch. What, you think he is going to change after you marry him? I know you think you can. I know you will try and sometimes succeed, but are you happy? You are in charge of finding a brother that is going to make you happy. If your man don’t want to help, he don’t care about you. Look for a man that can wash & fold clothes, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, vacuum, change diapers and cook. If he don’t know one of those, he must commit to learning. (We are not dusting. We just not.)

3. Look for a Leader, he will lead your family and your marriage.
Woman, you are not the leader of the family. You are not the head of the household. Any marriage where the woman is the leader will fail. Any family where the woman is the head of household will fail. (Ladies, chill!!!! Let me do this. Don’t you want a man that knows how to lead you? Well, let me put this responsibility on them and my brothers will step up to plate. Additionally, men have to develop sons that are leaders. Men have to show their daughters what a leader looks like so she can go get one. Sistah, if you are leading the household, all of that is all screwed up! A boy cannot learn how to be a man from a woman. A girl cannot learn what a man looks like by watching her momma. Now, I have asked nicely for your participation. If you still don’t like it, I don’t care, it’s biblical.)

Families need leadership. A leader, leads in every way. A leader knows when to lead and when to allow others to lead. A leader has good decision making skills and families have a lot of decisions to make. When you are looking for your leader, look for some one that can lead even when times are tough. A man that can lead the family through bankruptcy, foreclosure, cancer, whatever. A leader, a good decision maker, the man, will make the right decision (with his wife’s input) on what house to buy, what car to get, daycare, private school, college. A leader, a good decision maker, the man, knows that if he makes the wrong decision, he will fix it. (Men, if you lose your respect, you can’t lead. You are disqualified homie.)

Leadership is not just about decision making. Leadership is also about leading by example. When my wife and I are arguing, I am OPEN to apologizing first every time. I lead us out of the argument. When my wife and I are arguing, I am capable of allowing my wife to have the last word. That woman needs to vent. I am still Man. She knows it or it is on in her life.

2. Look for a man that respects the institution of Marriage.
A marriage is not a relationship. A relationship is nothing compared to a marriage. A marriage is a union, an institution. When you get married, from that day forth, everything is different. My goal in writing these books and articles is to restore marriage to the pedestal that it used to be on! A person who is married has agreed to make some sacrifices and compromises that you don’t have to make as a single person. Marriage is hard work. The institution deserves our respect. Single woman, never advise a married woman to leave her husband. Advise her to go and get some advice. Single man, challenge your married brother to stay in the marriage and with his family. Some times a brother just needs another brother to tell him to stay and figure it out.

Look for a man that understands that there will be ups and downs in marriage and that he is responsible for leading you through those tough times. Look for a man that accepts the responsibility of the fact that the success or failure of marriage rest on his shoulders and his leadership. That’s right, I am putting ALL of it on the man. So if all of it is on the man that is a lot of responsibility right? So we need a woman who knows how to support her man.

1. Look for a man that will take pride in being a Husband.
The problem with marriage right now is that men don’t have “Being a Great Husband” as a goal in marriage. We have not been taught that, but it is something that we can talk about. Ask your man how important it is for him to be a great husband. When men get married, we have to change. We now have to be more man than we were before. We are no longer a boyfriend, we are a husband. Look for a man that understands that there are additional responsibilities that come with being a husband. Say to your man, “When we get married, I am entrusting my life to you.” Support your man and let him know that you believe in him. In my book I challenge all Husbands to “Be the Best Husband in the World”. Every day I walk up to Husbands and say, “I am a better Husband than you are.” In hopes of a Husband saying back to me, “No you are not”.

Now I did not say anything about a Christian man. You already know to look for a man that puts God first right? This guide is very detailed. All men are not going to have all of this all the time. Even I fall short on occasion but I know who I want to be.

Women don’t get all bent if your man is not all of these things or if he doesn’t agree to some of these things. I was only maybe about half this list when I got married, the rest I had to learn. So your man may have to learn. So some of these concepts will be being introduced to your man. He doesn’t have to agree today or agree publicly. He will agree one day, even if it’s only privately.

This list is not the end all, be all. It is my opinion. Is it perfect? Yes and No. Yes because I wrote it, no because you didn’t. You can post your opinion by submitting a comment right now.



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  9. Jessica says:

    I am inspired by this article. There is so much that I do not know nor understand. I grew up in a house with just my mom and grandma. My grandfather passed when I was six years old. So I remember grandma making his plate, running his bath water but I knew they didnt sleep in the same bedroom so it confused me. After the age of 6 I never had a male in my life until I started liking boys and thats when all the trouble began. After reading this I realize that I am not ready for a husband although I want one. I have so much that I need to work on within….THANKS SOOOOO MUCH 🙂 Thanks for letting God use you through words!

  10. mixedgemini says:

    HYPOCRITE/LIAR!!!! “Meanwhile men are willing to date darn near anybody who can twerk it right.” FIRST BOLD LIE…MEN WILL PASS UP A PERFECT WOMAN IF SHES TOO DARK(OR ISNT BLONDE…..”is a pretty boy, light-skindid”, see light is supposed to =pretty no matter the features),WEARS WEAVE,HAS A FLAT BUTT OR CHEST,JUST ISNT PRETTY,HAS STRETCHMARKS/CELLUITE,IS FAT OR OF COURSE MY FAVORITE “IF SHES BLACK OR IS NOT WHITE”. Yall men know youd take a bit*hy,trashy white woman over a classy,well mannered,even suburban, black female; too many of you care too much about skin color but complain about women doing the same or white men discriminating against the brothas. YALL LET ME KNOW IF THIS WORKS! First off what’s the point of all of this if you’re gonna split because you just couldn’t CONNECT!, physically or emotionally. HOW IS THATS NOT UP THERE? Sad how so many ppl choose to be in a stable but cold marriage or relationship. NOT SUPRISED BY ANOTHER HYPOCRITE…BLAME THE WOMEN(in such a sneaky way) FOR HOW MEN ACT OR TREAT THEM This next one goes to show men can’t pick just as women can’t so why never an article for men like yall dont complain about the women especially the one yall black men were supposed to help raise.”Not a skeezer, not a trick, not a ho”………um or a PET(not surprised thats left out)! Most men who handle their business thinks it’s ok to treat their women like parents treat their children, like pets instead of like dependent human beings who think and have thoughs and feelings(as if women dont have feeling!). WOMEN CANT PICK BUT MEN THICK THE LADY IS THE ONE IN THE DRESS(or the light skinned one) BUT NOT THE GIRLS IN SWEATS(or the dark skinned one)…SAD DAILY MISTAKE. Also sad how men admit their flaws but never to the public. I SEE WOMEN SHOULD BE LADIES BUT MEN NOT GENTLEMEN. “ladies is that you are so busy looking at a brother’s pocket that you miss the potential in him.” HMM why not mention how most black men with money go(or drive) around trying to convince, I mean really try to persuade women that they need a man with money and the man they have aint good enough because he cant take of them. ANY YES MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE… OH THE HYPOCRACY! “Ya’ll get out of line sometime with that mouf(or mouth?) and that lose(or loose, cant even spell) neck” uh ok it’s not like “most” not all but most don’t deserve it or also DO THE SAME. How is it ok for a man to verbally abuse a woman and make her feel like sh** on shoes, and not to mention less of a woman considering how much women are compared, but it’s not ok for a woman to angry and fed up and loose it just as men do. ““Baby, when you are ready to have a conversation about your concern holla at your man”. lol@holla(so good with words though)….anyways it doesnt make sense to say that fore when women are calm men still don’t talk and ingore issues because yall can’t stand being put on spot when you are or are apart of the problem(this is where the “petty” lies most men do but most women dont tell come in); but of course have no problem discussing their concerns or wants, and seem to LIKE TO ARGUE when they feel they are right or have a point….women usually do at least have a point to what they are saying so maybe they feel they can argue(like i said hypocrites). ….. “A man being broke is not an excuse for not giving a man a shot. Money can be made. It comes and it goes”….neither is being BROKEN fore ppl change and heal(so if he seems broken say no then see him happily married and find out his wife helped him up on his grown man…sure that makes sense…once agian hypocrite) “He can’t take care of you if he can’t take care of him”…same applies to parents who cant take care of themselves(yes im throwing children in here because they should be). “Let a woman be a woman” NOT HERSELF though. Men put the pysical into what what being a woman means. Many will spend everyday testing his woman and comparing her to other women, most men do; therefor women live lies trying to be a perfect “woman” instead of being the best her AND MEN SHOULD FEEL FOR WOMEN ON THAT ONE CONDIDERING THE FRAGIL MALE EGO THATS SUPPOSED TO BE CARED ABOUT BUT NOT A WOMANS GOD GIVING OR EVEN PHYSICALLY AFFLICTED EMOTIONS. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT EITHER PERSON. “If your man don’t want to help, he don’t care about you.”<wow maybe but if a man works all day it doesn mean he dont care it means he cant. "Look for a man that can wash & fold clothes, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, vacuum, change diapers and cook" is this were our roles get crossed? How about helping out with the morals also, most men don't and blame the women for the child's character(women yall need to ask for that more instead of help cooking or vain gifts). "A boy cannot learn how to be a man from a woman" yet so many have. If a woman knows what a man should be she can teach him that just like a man can,not to mention she he needs to know how to treat a woman and the mom is a WOMAN..wtf?…same reason why guys ask girls for female advice! "Any marriage where the woman is the leader will fail" BOLD LIE!!! There are many men who love to sit back and let the woman deal and if she wants to it works. "Any family where the woman is the head of household will fail" WOW ANOTHER BOLD LIE!!! so every kids who grows up and thanks their mom for stepping up is wrong? ok! "When me and my wife are arguing, I am OPEN to apologizing first every time" LMAO of course most men do to LEAD their woman to shutting the fu*k up for their comfort…lol….that was funny. "if he makes the wrong decision, he will fix" IF HE CAN! AND IF NOT KEEP LETTING HIM FU*K UP? THE NERVE TO SAY THIS WITH ALL THESE CASES OF WHITE MEN WHO ACTUALLY LOVE THEIR FAMILIES, LOOSE THEIR MIND AND VIOLENTLY ACT OUT WHEN THEY'RE LEFT IN CHARGE AND SCREWS THEIR FAMILY OVER. IF A MAN ISNT ABLE HE'S NOT ABLE! THATS ALL REALLY WRITTEN REALLY SIMPLE FOR SIMPLE MINDED FOLK WHO MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED. PPL KEEP TAKING ADVICE BLINDLY JUST TO KEEP LOOKING FOR MORE ADVICE. THIS IS FOR PPL WHO WANT TO MAKE IT TO MARRIAGE JUST TO FIND OUT THEY JUST NOT MENT TO BE BUT STILL HAVE RESPECT FOR EACTHOTHER and confused children and angry or jealous future spouses.Its a waste of time,feelings,peace of mind and in some cases lives! I swear to God above I just watched id and a man killed his wife because she was cold but still admited all else waswell…they didnt even argue…which ppl fail to admit can be a problem. WHAT KEEPS A MARRIAGE GOING?…..WHY NOT MENTION CHEATING? SMDH@this half as$ed piece and ppl listening to what ever they read especially when it has some truth…DOESNT MAKE IT THOUROUGH PPL. damn how hard is it to stop think about right from wrong,what you want.want you need and whats possible. damn ppl dont forget to look for a sense of humore or some one whos looks and sex help you not cheat or specific morals… i mean damn this article is waaaaaaaaay too simple…hypocritical and dishonest. This piece branches off but is still incomplete. Yup coldness,selfishness,stability and peace over love,warmth(heated arguements for heated love),sacrficing/adapting and rationality, ppl keep it up! I SEE WHEN BOTH DO THE SAME THING WRONG, IF WOMEN DO IT EVEN A TINY BIT MORE THAN MEN DO THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY DO IT AT ALL, at least not openly. in the end IT TAKES TW2 ppl!!

    1. mark says:

      You make a couple of interesting points; especially about men being just as guilty of not being able to as women are. However, I think you are ignoring the obvious. Most of the things you are beefing about apply to boys not MEN. The article does make the disclaimer of not being toe end all to be all. It’s just a simple guideline. You have to admit, we are in crisis.

  11. Iassic Crenshaw says:

    Brother that’s some power stuff that all Brothers and Sisters need to read twice and then read it to each other.

  12. Tammy says:

    Wow- that was so on point!- I loved it!- thank you for keepin it real!. Who better to talk about it than a person who is living it- thanks for the awesome advice. I am a single black woman who wants to get married, and I need all of the advice I can get. I am glad almost all of the comments were positive, except one, and that person sounds very bitter- I hope they can find true love.

  13. Jason says:

    I wish all women could read this post, especially my sistahs out there. I wish I had this to give to ALL of the women I’ve dated in the past. So many times I had to ask a woman to play her position and get out of my position.

  14. Anna says:

    Erm, I’m gonna have to go ahead and stop you at ‘roles’.

    I don’t understand how we can go so hard about stopping stereotyping us as a race into certain categories, and yet you repeatedly try and place men and women into roles they may not be comfortable with. How about let everyone do what they need to, want to, and can do to make THEIR relationship work.

  15. Cheri' says:

    This is so true. You have great advice as well as insite.

  16. Jas says:

    thank you!!!

  17. Sophia says:

    Thank You for this!! I read your book last year and it was a great help to me!! Be Blessed 🙂

  18. I like this post brother and post like this is what gives me standards that I want myself to achieve in becoming a better man. You have played a role in my development in becoming a great man and future great husband one day. Keep post like this coming and you know I’m going to share this right? lol.

  19. KaylaShaunta says:

    absolutely love this post. thank you. I’ve spent my time with too many boys and not enough men.

  20. Anthony Cosby says:

    You hit a lot of thing on the head I do agree with what you said, now I’m not fully there yet but I am working on it now if we can get women to think like that and more of them to read this it might help us all. Thanks for this I needed to read this.