Celibacy in 2012: Does She Have To Give It UP?

Steven James Dixon April 18, 2011 Comments

I received three emails from three different women from three different places around the country on one day last week. All of the emails were concerning the same relationship topic: “Dear Steven, can I be celibate and still be in a relationship?”

I have been avoiding this celibacy question for a couple of years now because I don’t want to be the cause of a person going to hell.

As a Christian, I know that we are supposed to wait until we are married before having sex. Having said that, I find it necessary to keep it real at all times. All times.

When keeping it real, discussion points have to be placed in perspective. The perspective required here is that of the Average Single Sexually Active Man. Let’s call him Sam. The question at hand is, Will Sam give up having sex for you? After careful assessment of the data collection from my previous field research, I have decided that this topic is much more complicated than it initially seems. You know what? Let’s just talk directly to Sam.

Steven James Dixon: Sam, if you are in a relationship with a woman, does she have to have sex with you in order for you to remain faithful and stay in the relationship?”

Sam: Steven, why would I wait and sacrifice sex when I can just get it from somewhere else?

Steven James Dixon: You are right, you can get sex anywhere, but don’t you want more than that out of your woman? Out of your relationship?

Sam: Yeah, I want more, I want those things when I get married, but not when I first meet a woman. When I first meet a woman I am thinking about one thing and one thing only.

Steven James Dixon: But through the processing of that line of thinking you will undoubtedly miss out on some good women.

Sam: True, I am going to miss out on some good women, but all the good women are not celibate. Many good women like sex just as much as I do. Which circles me back to the original question, why would I wait and sacrifice sex when I can just get it from somewhere else?

While talking with Sam I started to think maybe we are asking Sam the wrong question.

Steven James Dixon: Sam, you are not waiting or sacrificing sex, you are waiting on that specific woman. Because she is a phenomenal woman. Because that woman who is saving herself for you is special. She is unique. She is principled. She is obviously God fearing. She will be able to pray for you when you are down. She is going to be submissive.

Sam: How do I know that she is going to be all that?

Steven James Dixon: You have to stay longer and find out.

Sam: No! She has to show me more upfront. If I am going to sacrifice, then I need to know right upfront what I am sacrificing for. If I meet a woman that has not been through your training class there is no way of me knowing if she is worthy of me making that sacrifice.

And now we arrive at the problem identification.

Celibate sister, you are not going to like what I have to say right now but it is the truth. If you want Sam, then you are going to have to show Sam your woman. Sexual women are visible to Sam on a daily basis so he will only recognize you if you stand out — If you show him your woman.

Celibate sister you are going to have to step your game up. If that man takes you out and spends money on you then you need to be ready to cook him a meal. Not a snack, not dinner, you need to be able to cook him something that is going to make him sit on the couch and rub his belly in a clockwise circular motion. If you want a man, you have to show him your woman.

If he is showing you interest then you cannot wait for him to earn the opportunity to gain more knowledge about your woman. It doesn’t have to be a candle-lit dinner. It can be a get together with friends and your place, where he gets to see how you live, how you decorate, how clean you are, how you can add value to his life. Celibate sisters, it is your responsibility to show the man what your momma taught you. A man is not staying, not sacrificing and definitely not marrying a woman that has not shown him her wife skills. Celibacy is part of your own personal, spiritual walk. No one can walk it with you.

Having said all that, if you are celibate you are not supposed to want to date Sam. Sam is average. You are better than that.

Disclaimer: I am not implying that a woman belongs in the kitchen and that a man does not cook. Man and woman can share household duties equally. Y’all get on my nerves with that.


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  11. Nyko says:

    LOVE the disclaimer! lol. While I don’t practice celibacy, I completely agree with the showing him the woman upfront part. We are all so busy running around scared that we are giving the best of us to someone who ultimately will prove that they DON’T deserve it, that we don’t do it from the very beginning. However, I think ideally he should have shown you something upfront as well, to prove that he is worthy of that. If you both have a mutual respect for eachother, then honest communication from the start can make both parties feel at ease and secure enough to be who they are supposed to be for eachother… Or that’s what I think at least. I also get the impression that Sam here is selfish and has some growing to do, since he isn’t able to make the distinction between a worthy woman and ANY ol’ woman.

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  13. ThaHoop says:

    I do not agree with the outcome due the fact that I am a celibate man. Not all “SAMs” in this world are out just for sex in the beginning of a relationship. I have done research on myself and evaluated that at the beginning of most relationships, sex can complicate things to where feelings come into play. And after that does happy the I LOVE YOU factor comes in also. So then what the woman or “SAM” is in a predicament that they might not want to be in. With that said after having that happen I chose a life of celibacy since 2009. I have been celibate for now going on two years and I have the best relationship with my girlfriend. It is possible for the MANY few to be in a relationship and still maintain your celibacy. I say do not compromise you faith or celibacy for anyone. If they cannot handle or respect your decision then that is not the SAM for you.

    1. sjDixon says:

      S.A.M. is short for Sexually Active Man. Congrats on your celibacy and spirtual walk!

  14. Stacy says:

    As a celibate woman I think your advice was right on…but the problem is finding a guy patient enough to let me show him these things about me….I have tried this method before…lol…cause I love to cook and bake and decorate…etc but most guys don’t really care to test me out on that or they use it as a way to make me break my celibacy…but I will keep being open to the possibilities….good article.

  15. Payne says:

    I agree that Sam has some maturing to do. I also must say that a man WILL wait for a woman. I dated a man for two years and we both agreed to wait to have sex until we were married. That said, we were both serious in our walk with Christ. However, he was NOT ready to marry after two years while I was ready to marry after 3 months. And we were in our early 30s. As much as I loved him, I broke up with him b/c he couldn’t see marriage any time soon.

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    1. sjDixon says:

      Yes. It is called “Relationship Beast”

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  25. DSlick1 says:

    I agree that this was a good post. And, I have lived most of my life like Sam. however, I must admit the one that got my heart and has held it (though we didn’t end up together forever becuase of my dumbness), made me wait. I hated it, the waiting, but during the time she made me wait I went from liking her to loving her, from lusting after her to wanting to connect with her and we became true friends. Even after we broke up, amd have both moved on, that bond of love and friendship still remains. If I had been smarter, we’d be married now. But, my point is, even though Sam won’t like waiting, if he really cares or wants to care, he will and will be blown away by the power of that moment when it does happen. I wish I had waited with my current partner (my wife). We get in arguments and sometimes it pains me to knwo that our initial relationship was mainly physical. Please know I love my wife, but if I could do it over, I’d have waited.

  26. Connie says:

    Now I feel stupid. That’s clraeed it up for me

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  28. kleeneze says:

    I’ve been wondering about the similar factor myself lately. Delighted to see an individual on the same wavelength! Nice write-up.

  29. Lyn says:

    What a wonderful read. I have to admit, I have not read any article that related to celibacy. I have been walking in my celibacy for 4 years and in the 4 years, I have not dated due to the fruit that those who think they want to know me bears. Once I put my walk in motion, they try to wear a sista down, hahahaha. Thank for for His power. 85% of the time I am happy for the journey. 15% of the time I battle it. I battle because I am a woman and I am human, I love the idea of love and what God says it means in a relationship. I was married for 5 years but at that time, I was not fully walking in christ so I attracted one who was not in Christ as well. Ticker tape across the forhead was in neon green. Needless to say, what God did not put together, was not held together. But praise God for the gift of peace that can only come from God while walking and daily dieing to self. One thing that I have learned in this journey is we woman and men who choose to honor God in this way, we must educate ourselves, learn how to be single and single for God. Remember, His thoughts are higher than ours, He knows what He has for us to do and being single may be just the thing He wants for some, to do the work He has for us to do, for Him. This is a time to be in touch with God freely. If one reads the word it does talk about being single and duties thereof. For woman there are wondeful books that I have read that have helpped me along, these books are an excellent source for men too. I am comitted to this journey. If this is my lot, all is well with my soul.

    Steven, you rock. God bless your gift, I pray that you and your family prosper in God by your leadership and willingness to share with others the gift God truly has given you.

    Write some more on this subject. We need folks to speak on the hard topics, stop keeping it safe. LOL

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  32. Ms Angela says:

    Great article! I read one of the comments about a man will wait if he finds your worth…he may wait…but you can best believe he is getting sex from somebody else while he may be waiting for you…(not all but quite alot)…just my observation #beentheredonethat and being realistic.