Austin, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast about 2 yrs ago I dated a great guy. He was educated, ambitious, charming and funny we had the same goals, wanted kids etc. Loved his mom like no ones business. We had a long distance relationship and he would fly me out to see him twice a month or he would come and visit me. I met he met my family for Thanksgiving and I met his family for Christmas. Things were going great. For my Christmas gift, he took me on a week vacation through the New Year. Three weeks later he informs me that he has an issue with kids. He knew that I had a child BEFORE he met me. He met my child. We had a lot of discussion about our relationship becoming more serious. That is the only reason I agreed to the holiday plans. Needless to say I was very upset and ended the relationship because my child comes first . . .
I just wanted to commend you for trusting your instinct and bouncing. Too many women in your position would have compromised and tried to make things work. Too many women in your position would have said “You will grow to like my child.” Too many women in your position don’t see you and your kids as a package deal. Too many women in your position don’t have DEAL BREAKERS! Let me give you an example of a deal breaker: YOU don’t believe your man is actively and desperately looking for a job. Ignore what comes out of his mouth. What do you believe? Is he trying? What is your judgment call after reviewing the information he has relayed to you? I am not suggesting that you leave a man when he is down and out. I am saying if you don’t have any confidence that he is going to get back up then that is a deal breaker. It is time for you to GET GONE!
Some more on DEAL BREAKERS. You catch your man cheating. I don’t believe in once a cheater always a cheater. But I do believe that it is the woman’s responsibility to let that man know that if you cheat again, it’s a wrap. No conversation or apology necessary. Somebody has got to be gone in the morning! Ignore what comes out of his mouth. What do you believe? If you think that you have not appropriately struck fear in his heart then he will determine that he has gotten away with it and he will cheat again because he is confident that he will get away with it again and again in the future. If YOU think he will cheat again, that is a deal breaker.
Ms. Austin you have exhibited many of the principles that I am trying to teach women today. One of those principles is to “LEAVE EARLIER”. When he broke the bad news to you about having a problem with kids, you made a decision to leave earlier. Last week I talked about how there are some good men out there and there are some bad men out there. A woman has to be able to navigate through the bad men to get to the good men. How can a that good man find you if you are not available because you are stuck in a bad relationship?
Detroit, MI – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I ended a three year relationship three months ago. We had baby mama drama in our relationship. When I broke up with him, he moved in with her. Why would he move back in with her? I don’t understand why men can’t do things on their own? When we were dating he lived with me. I am kind of angry with him for moving in with her.
I am sorry that your heart is hurting but I am glad that you don’t have a choice in rather or not you are going to move on from this relationship. Because you are moving on right? Because he lives with another woman so you are going to have to move on anyway right? I mean, it’s not like you are going to try to be with him while he is BEING WITH another woman are you? I mean, obviously he wasn’t enough man for you when you had him all to yourself so he can’t possibly be enough man to share.
I am extremely confident that every time I left a relationship it was the right decision to do so. You know why I am so confident about my decision making process? Because I made the decision! It’s my life! I don’t have to look back if I don’t want to. The question is why are you looking backwards? You do understand that you can’t even see that next man, you can’t even see what’s in front of you if you are looking backwards. Don’t worry about what he is doing. What he is doing is doing you a favor. Worry about what you are doing. DO YOU! You can’t possibly want a guy that is moving from woman’s house to woman’s house. You just don’t want anyone else to want him either.
*New Deal Breaker* – Man must have his name on a mortgage or lease or have a concrete plan as to how he will get his name on a mortgage or lease. And that is without the help of a woman. Woman, if you have to help your man be a man, you got yourself a WO-man.
Charlotte, NC – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I met this guy 3 weeks ago and he works seven day’s a week from 7am til 7 pm. He has a great sense of humor, he keep’s me smiling, we have been intimate twice. He calls me all the time. My question is, am I just his sex toy or does he really like me? He’s single but I’m afraid to let him know that I’m ready to be in a relationship. I am 37 years old. Don’t you think it’s time for me to be in a relationship? I use to be a battered woman. I was abused for ten years and now I’m tired of being alone.
A woman should never say to a man that they want a relationship. He should be able to tell what you want or what you deserve by your actions. If he can’t tell that you are worthy of a relationship then either it’s something wrong with you or something wrong with him. Either way, you won’t have a relationship. Men are not running around looking for relationships. A man liking you and good sex doesn’t even count to men initially when determining if we want to be in a committed relationship. This why a woman cannot worry about a man. She has got to “Do Her”. DATE MORE!
I am sorry about your abuse and I can understand you not wanting to be alone but believe me, you would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. Read my two articles “How To Ask A Guy Out On A Date” on my blog, The Relationship Report on Essence.com. I need you to DATE MORE! I need you to get out more! I don’t want this guy to be your only option. Nothing against the guy you are dating, I just think women should actively try to DATE MORE instead of putting all of your attention into one guy that may or may have your best interest at heart!
St. Louis, MO – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I’m 26 years old I have a ten month old child by a 32 year old man/boy. We started out having really fun dates and having great sex. I got pregnant in the process. He has a girlfriend. I am emotional. How do I pull away from the emotional connection to him but still be co-parents? I did not know that he had a girlfriend initially, but after I found out I was in too deep to leave. I know that I should have left when I found out.
Congratulations on YOUR new baby! For some reason I feel compelled to tell you to prepare for the worst . . . the second part of that statement is “hope for the best” but let’s clarify what the best is first. You can’t hope his girlfriend away because she is hoping you away (if she knows about you) and your hope versus her hope makes it a WASH! You can’t hope that he leaves her for you. You already hoped that and that does not seem to be working. Now that may seem a bit harsh but YOU know why I am keeping it real with you. I got to toughen you up a bit, then love on you a bit and then pray for you and send you on your way.
Speaking of prayer, you can’t pray her away, the good Lord aint gonna hear that prayer. You can’t pray for him to be with you because God is not going to reward your sin. But what you can do is pray for yourself. What you can do is ask God for strength. What you can do is ask God for patience. What you can do is ask God to work out all of your emotional issues. God’s love will reveal to you your value and give you the love that you need to transfer to YOUR baby.
I say your baby because your baby daddy has the physical ability to walk out of your life at anytime. Baby daddies do it every day. Be prepared for that day. Now we can hope and pray that he is a great father and I definitely don’t want to speak that into existence but my purpose is to enlighten and prepare. Ok now for your question, “how do you pull away from the emotion but you still have to see each other because of the child?”
I can’t tell you how to pull away until you first understand your value. A woman’s own self value will determine when and how to stop dealing with a man that you can’t have. Once you have determined your value, get back at me and we will go from there. Until then, I got some reading assignments for you. Search for these articles on my website.
“Part I: Real Talk, 9 Reasons to Have Safe Sex”
“Part II: The Bond Between a Man and His Child”
“Part III: Single Moms Lose 3 Years of Their Lives”
“How To Date When You Have Kids”
“9 Rules To Live By When Dating With Children”
Chicago, IL – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I’m single after having initiated the end of a long term relationship a couple of years ago. I’ve not dated again (yet) but at this point a friend and companion would be great. My first issue is the fact that the men who approach me are married. What’s that about? Secondly, I was intrigued by your recent advice to invite a potential friend out for coffee. This suggestion made me somewhat hopeful but it also gave me pause to ponder how you reconcile this suggestion with your obvious belief in the Bible, where it says that women must wait for the man to ‘find us’.
1. Married men that willing to cheat carry themselves as if they have nothing to lose. Married men will approach you and will be very aggressive because they have no time to waste, they have to be home at a certain time. Don’t let what any man says or does affect who you are or how you get down. Ignore them. Forcefully strike them down immediately. The ones that you may potentially be weak for . . . add in a couple extra cuss words.
2. I am not going against the bible by saying to ask a man out for coffee. I was clear in saying “Do not pursue a man”. I was clear in saying that your responsibility is to let the man know that you are interested and available. Sometimes, you can do that by a wink or smile or just saying hello. But if that’s not working, you might have to step up your game and ask a guy out for coffee or ice cream on a Saturday afternoon. You ask him out once and once only. A real man won’t let you pay even if you did ask him out. Don’t take no man to no dinner or no movie, leave that to him. I call it “Light Dating for Women.” It is an introduction, it is a light date, you are not pursuing, you are not trying to catch a man.
3. The article that you are referring to was actually written especially for women like you who are being approached by men that you don’t want approaching you. I am giving you a way for you to take control of the situation, for you to take action instead of waiting. But like I said, DO NOT PURSUE A MAN. For example, ask him out for coffee but at the end of the coffee date, don’t ask him for his number or when you can see each other again. Don’t send a follow up text message or call. Just say “Nice meeting you, thanks for having coffee with me.” If he don’t stop you then you know to keep walking. If he doesn’t contact you, it wasn’t meant to be.
Houston, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I had to email you for a little advice on my own relationship and I use the word relationship very loosely. I have been seeing this guy for the past ten months and I don’t know if I should stick around or move on. Well first of all after all of this time we are still not in a monogamous committed relationship. When we first started seeing each other we both said that we were looking for someone to spend time with and honestly have sex with, but if something more were to come out of it we would welcome it. I haven’t spent anytime with any man except him since we met, but I’m not sure if he can say the same. We see each other on a regular basis, and he has met my son which is a huge step for me. About 3 months ago I asked him if he wanted things to change between us and he said that he had been thinking about us being in a relationship. Then shortly after that I blurted out the words “I Love You”. I didn’t expect him to say it back and he didn’t. Six months into this thing I started falling for him hard and I couldn’t stop it. He can go days without calling or coming by but when he does it’s always I missed you and I care about you. I know he can’t read my mind so lately I have been very open about my feelings for him, but I still can’t get him to open up and be honest with me about how he feels. Is it that he’s just not that into me and I should move on, or should I keep waiting and see what happens. I am so confused and in need of some advice.
Excellent, excellent, excellent! Thank you for asking an excellent question that many women need to hear the answer to. Many women around the world are in your position right now. At a relationship crossroads. I have received similar questions from as far away as Ontario, London and Montego Bay. Even though your situation seems complex, I prefer to keep things simple!
When you are at a crossroads, what do you do? Do you sit down on the tracks and wait for the train to come? In relationships the train that may come is the knowledge that you have wasted your time and energy. When in relationships, there is one thing that a woman must do and one thing only and that is “Show Your Woman”. Once you have shown your woman and the man has not responded in the matter you deem necessary it is time to slowly back out of the relationship. Let’s review some of the things you said:
1. When we first started seeing each other we both said that we were looking for someone to spend time with and honestly have sex with – Every man that you meet in life will take this deal. If you let some one inside your body, they are inside your heart and head also. Every single woman that has ever said this to me ended up taking it back. 9/10 women cannot have sex without developing an emotional connection. It is harder to make a relationship go in reverse than it is to make it go forward. When you say to him, “hey I want a relationship now” you are trying to reverse and re-track” 12/10 men will not let you get a way with that.
2. But if something more were to come out of it we would welcome it. – You can not slip and fall into a relationship. A relationship is a decision. You have made a decision that you now want a relationship. See how it works? All accidental relationships will have an accident that will end the relationship.
3. I haven’t spent anytime with any man except him since we met, but I’m not sure if he can say the same. – This is the reason why women can’t just have sex with men. 9/10 women don’t want to sleep with more than one man at a time. The majority of men will sleep with more than one woman at a time (at some point). He cannot say the same as you. He doesn’t have to. He is not your man. You two are just dating which means that he can date other people. Your man is sleeping with some one else while you are reading this.
4.I asked him if he wanted things to change between us and he said that he had been thinking about us being in a relationship. – Your relationship will go down hill from here. When you ask a man the relationship status you lose all your power. He knows that he got you right where he wants you. Instead of asking this question I advise women to slowly back out of the relationship. You do that by not being as available. Change your habits. Don’t answer the phone as much, don’t be sitting around waiting on him. Make other plans. GO OUT WITH A GUY YOU DON’T LIKE! ANYTHING! Just don’t sit around waiting on him. Slowly back out only if you have shown your woman, he will immediately notice a change in you and respond accordingly. If he doesn’t respond, “DATE MORE & LEAVE EARLIER!!!”
5. I blurted out the words I Love You, I didn’t expect him to say it back and he didn’t. – In my book Men Don’t Heal, We Ho I advise women to show a man love instead of telling it to him. Understand that your words mean something to you. Actions mean something to him. I write in my book that if you KNOW a man does not love you then he don’t need to KNOW that you love him.
6. He can go days without calling or coming by – Why would he call you when he is with his other woman? Does he disrespect you like that?
7. But I still can’t get him to open up and be honest with me about how he feels – The silence speaks volumes to me. You are setting yourself up to fail. You are ignoring all of the signs. Once you have let a man know that you are willing to wait on him, what do you think he is going to make you do? MAKE YOU WAIT!!! He knows that you are willing to wait, why would he rush to make a decision on the relationship? IF you have shown your woman, slowly back away from the relationship.
Columbia, SC – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast My husband’s mother treats him like her surrogate husband and his avoidance of addressing this issue with his mother has our marriage at a stall.
Your man doesn’t understand just how much his mother loves him. His mother will forgive him no matter what he does and she will always welcome him back with open arms. Tell him that it is much easier to make up with his mother than it is to make up with his woman so who he decides to upset should be an easy decision. We are not just talking about love, we are talking about love making! There are benefits to keeping your woman happy! Once he lets his mother know that you are #1 in his life, then his mother will have no choice but to accept that she is #2! She will accept being #2 because she loves him. Just let him know that momma will always, always love him.
Jacksonville, FL – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I had my first affair after 25 years of marriage. I did it because I could and I really liked this guy. We have known each other for a few years before deciding to get intimate. The first four months were great but a month or two ago we stopped talking and I don’t know why. Although I would like to have closure and hear his reasons I don’t anticipate calling him after reading your advice to “Why I looooove to date married men.” I would love to hear your thoughts.
I don’t advise people on how to cheat. I won’t even speak to that. I will tell you that your husband loves you. I will say that if he found out about you he would be crushed beyond repair. I will admit to marriages having good days and bad days. I agree that marriage is tough but I believe that our sacrifice is worth its wait in gold! You have had stability for a quarter of a century. You should be shame!!!! If you need help saving your marriage, hit me up on that!
Dallas, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I have been seeing a guy for almost a year now, but we are still not in a relationship. He says it is because he has trust issues. He has had bad relationships so he wants to be able to trust me completely before we become an actual couple. We use to spend a lot of time together but he’s in the Navy & lately he’s been away. So I might see him once or twice a month and did I mention that he doesn’t like to talk on the phone but will text like 4 times a week to see how I am. Over the past year I have gained very strong feelings for him, so I always come up with excuses for him. Am I being lied to? Am I wasting my time or is it true that a man’s trust issues can be so strong that taking a year to spend time with a person with no strings attached is some what normal?
If you can’t build trust in a year it will take a lifetime to build a foundation strong enough to marry a person. You are not being lied to . . . wait, maybe you are, but that is not the point. The point is that whatever comes out of his mouth you ACCEPT. Whether you believe or not or whether it’s true or not you ACCEPT IT AS TRUTH. That is the problem. He could tell you that he was riding a cow over the moon. Are you wasting your time? YES . . . well, then again, if this all that you deserve, if you are not worth anything more than this, if you are not a quality woman or if you wouldn’t add value to another man’s life, then you are not wasting your time.