Namibia, South Africa ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast, I am puzzled by your article “The Mis-Education of Dating.” For the most part it’s beautiful. I would probably encourage young people to live by those principles. I have been principled my whole life in most areas if not all of my life. Got married, got divorced, did all I could to save the marriage. I continued to be principled not allowing guys to disrespect me, living by biblical standards – though I slept with one guy two years after my divorce. I have forgiven myself and moved on.
See, I got tired of being the “good girl.” I do not meet men who respect me enough to have a relationship without wanting to sack me! I am a 38 year old woman who wants a man and I hope to have at least one child of my own! By the look of things, I might not find anyone and I may end up being alone. Is this what I get for being a good girl all my life?
A colleague has been interested in me, only sexually though. I figured I can strike a deal with him to father my child even though this goes against my principles. Damn! It would have been easier if I did not have such high standards. He is very eager – and accepted the deal. I am just so torn up within. I have no illusions about what he wants. I chose him because of some good qualities he has, and I am very aware of his weaknesses.
Friends and relatives who are not so principled seem to be very happy. They dealt with their mistakes and life goes on. It is so unfair! The thought of ending up alone scares me. What are your thoughts on this?
I am totally against you striking a deal to get pregnant. Do not do that. I am totally against that. I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL END UP WANTING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. You would be having sex which would affect you emotionally. Then once you have the baby you would want the family, if not for you then for the baby.
Do not be alarmed by men initially just wanting to have sex with you. Most of us are like that. But that doesn’t mean that you have to have sex though, you just better be really good at something else! Cooking, cleaning, supporting, encouraging, loving, understanding, you better be extraordinary at something else. So extraordinary that the something else that you have or do makes men forget about sex! You have to show & prove to men that you are of more value than just sex. You have to show the man that you are wife material. Men are visual. If we see you and we are attracted to you, then we are thinking about having sex with you. What did you think men wanted? We are not thinking about making a new friend when we see a phat booty. We got friends.
My heart goes out to you though. I have a few friends in your same situation. I can’t solve your problem I can only offer solutions. I have written two articles that may help. Search for them on my website.
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part I
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part II
Everyone is not getting married but I do believe that God created someone for everyone to marry. Your journey is to find that guy and make sure that he knows that you are “Interested and Available.” If you are sitting at home thinking that a husband is going to knock on your door you are sadly mistaken.
Namibia, South Africa . . . continued Mr. RelationshipBeast, I get your point. My concern is that guys show no interest in a relationship without sex. Honestly I am tired of not having sex. Should one’s approach be to give sex after having dated a certain time? I have been celibate for five years. I am so so hungry for sex and I am worried that my time is running out and I won’t be able to conceive and my body (my best asset) is starting to show the signs of age. So I basically don’t have time to play the dating game for too long! That is why when I meet a guy I am upfront about what I want – where I am in my life. I just don’t have time to play around.
I am at a point where I am maybe desperate, something I don’t want to be! Hence, my deal with this guy. I am so fearful that I would end up regretting not having taken a chance. I want to take this chance now and deal with the consequences later. At least I would know I did something about the situation rather than regretting taking a chance forever.
I tell women here in America to “DATE MORE & LEAVE EARLIER.” If you are going to lower your standards do that for a man that has good core values and character. Lower the physical standards or your financial standards but don’t lower the standards that influence the quality of the person. If you want a child that bad, adopt but if you do the physical/emotional thing you will end up regretting it. I promise you. There is no way around it. Spend some time talking to single mothers and ask them how they feel about being a single parent. Ask them would they volunteer to do it again. I would venture to say that most will say, “NO.”
Don’t tell a man what you want upfront, show him what you want. “SHOW HIM YOUR WOMAN.” Your woman will reveal to him to take you seriously or hit the road. The next time you meet a guy I want you to have a get together at your house. Invite maybe two more couples let him see how you live earlier in the dating process. Cook him a fabulous meal. The way to a man’s heart is still through his stomach. Instead of telling him what you want, show him who you are. Men don’t respond to words. We are ignoring all of the words that are coming out of your mouth. We pay attention to your actions. If you want more out of a man, show him that you are more than the average woman. You have to show us. If you show us and we don’t respond you have to leave us. You have to leave us before you became angry or burnt and not open to doing the same thing again with the next guy. Women get burnt when they stay in bad relationships too long. You can’t wait until a relationship is bad to leave.
I am not going to tell you when you should start having sex in a relationship. We all know that we are supposed to wait until we get married. If you want to have sex before marriage, that has to be a personal decision where you are fully aware of right and wrong.
Indianapolis, IN ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast, I want to start by letting you know I look forward to reading your very real, very witty, and very profound blog you share with the world weekly. I am amazed at the fact that you are a man first and foremost and secondly how “on-point” your advice really is.
I want to know your thoughts on what the old-school catch phrase “courting” a woman actually means to you. I am 29 years old, never been married and do not have any children. I have been through a host of bad relationships just like any other woman who has lived to see 29 but I have some serious concerns where the men are concerned these days…..
What makes a man think a woman should be pulling out all the stops for him when they first meet?? Examples: cooking, being cool with just chilling at the crib watching movies, etc. HELLO!!!!! Isn’t it the MAN’S job to court the woman??? Am I wrong or shouldn’t the man be doing whatever it takes to win over the woman and leave a good impression on her NOT the other way around??? When did this role reversal start taking place???? These men in my city seem to be waiting on the woman to pull out all the stops for them and prove something to them?!? Don’t get me wrong I am a woman that knows all too well how to “cater to her man.” I have been burned though by catering to men too early, catering to men who really don’t appreciate and/or deserve it, and not leaving soon enough when those warning signs start popping up. Therefore, I am no longer interested in catering to men who have not earned the many blessings that come along with being a part of my life.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Or have women just made it too easy for these men out here these days?? Sorry, but if you don’t “court” me as my momma and grand-momma would say, you don’t stand a chance of earning much of my time or attention. I can watch movies at home by myself. Fortunately, I know how to cook fairly well. Guess if I want a good satisfying meal I can do that for myself also…..cooking for one is much cheaper than cooking for two….. “I’m just saying,” lol! Your thoughts????
Yes, you are wrong! You have not made a mistake in catering to men. You have made mistakes in choosing the men to cater to! Additionally you have made mistakes in staying with these bad men too long. You should only be dating men who deserve your catering. Choose wisely. Go and read my article “The Mis-Education of Dating.” Never date a man that doesn’t deserve your best woman. Always be your best woman. Always be your best woman. Always be your best woman. Had to say it three times! Be your best woman for a shorter amount of time. You know my principle for women, “DATE MORE & LEAVE EARLIER!”
You are right about men courting you. He courts you, you take care of him . . . at the same time. 50/50
San Francisco, CA ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast, I have mixed feelings with the notion that men should stake their self-esteem on being a good husband. On the one hand, it is good to stake your self-esteem in relation to how well you treat another human being. I think that is great. On the other hand, given that most women are malcontents, you are fighting a losing battle trying to be a good husband or father for that matter, as the divorce rate is 70% for blacks and women file 75% of those divorces. Why bother trying to make women happy is what I think at times.
Man should not carry a defeatist attitude. A man that lacks confidence that he can lead a woman also lacks confidence in his ability to choose one. Men choose women. Women don’t choose men. Women agree or disagree to be chosen. If you have woman problems don’t blame her, blame the man that chose that woman. Be selective in who you date. Know what you want and need in a woman. Know what is going to make you happy. I don’t let women run around saying that all the men are bad so I can’t let you say that all the women are bad either.
I dated this gorgeous woman for a couple of months one time. GOOD LAWD THAT WOMAN WAS FINE! One day she was at my house and I had to take a business call. We were chilling in the living room and I said, “Let me get this call, I will be right back.” I went into my office and put the phone on speaker and logged into my computer. After I finished the call and went back into the living room the love of my life, the woman I had been waiting on God to send me was gone. I searched the house, searched outside and ran down the streets barefoot for hours. She was gone. I called her cell phone and she said this:
HER: “I heard you on the phone. You got me waiting on you while you are talking to another woman on the phone!”
ME: “That was business! So you just left?”
HER: “Why would I stay? Another woman had your attention.”
ME: “What did you hear?”
HER: “I heard you ask her about her evening and what she is doing for the weekend.”
ME: “She is one of my employees! She is married. It is 8PM at night she wanted to know what clients I needed her to send the reports to. We were making conversation while I was logging in. You don’t think that this was something that you could have stayed for us to talk about?”
HER: “Well it didn’t sound like no co-worker to me so I left.”
ME: “I will talk to you tomorrow.”
I broke up with her the next day. I cried for two weeks and lost 16 pounds but I knew not to invest not one more cotton picking minute into that relationship. All of the women that I have been in a relationship with were good women. We had bad relationships because of me not knowing how to be in a relationship. Once I learned how to be in a relationship, my relationships got better.
Notice I did not dispute the fact that there are some bad women. I dispute the fact that all or most of the women that you have dated have been bad. They may not have been what you wanted them to be but you have to take responsibility for choosing them. Choose better women.
I got married because I wanted more out of life than just chasing women. I wanted a family. I wanted stability. I wanted love and I wanted to be loved. Getting girls is easy. I wanted a woman. I could not be the man that I am today without challenging myself to want and be MORE! Being a great husband is how I separate myself from the average man. I am not average. Are you?
Newark, NJ ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast, I have been dating a guy for a couple of months who I am now finding out that he still has feelings for his ex. He is still interested in her thoughts of him, he values praise from her when he should be looking for praise from me. He tells me they are done but he shouts her on out Facebook and just about anywhere else that he can. He won’t tell her about me, he won’t remove her from his life. They have mutual friends and recently we broke up over her. I believe he needs her as a safety because if he closes that door and starts a real relationship with me and we don’t work out, then he won’t have a chance with her either. My question is how do I have a relationship with a man on the fence because I don’t want to give him up? Any advice?
I do things every single day that I don’t want to do. So the fact that you don’t want to give him up will not be taken under consideration.
You are just as bad as him. Look at yourself in the mirror. Better yet, when he is standing in the mirror, join him, y’all will see one person. Why would he give up on her when he knows that you won’t give up on him? What? OH! You think that your man is just going to wake up one day and start doing the right thing!?!?!? You are foolish. I am being harder on you because I believe that you know better. Your Momma did not raise you like this! I know yo Momma don’t know about this relationship.(Yeah, I went there with it.) Everything you said about this guy is bad. He must be hitting it right and you are whipped! SNAP OUT OF IT! The best way to get a man is to be a woman and you are not being a woman right now. You are being a . . . lost my train of thought.
Los Angeles, CA ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast,I am need of your wise counsel! College educated woman with no children. Next year I will be 30 years old….I have never dated or even kissed a man. I am very shy and it is hard for me to approach men. Older and crazy men are attracted to me — not type of man to bring home! I am a petite chocolate skinned woman. I think because I’ve been single for so long that I am not attractive enough or know how to be sexy. I always thought I would be meet someone in college or even at work and it didn’t happen. I am now in graduate school and the men I am meeting are either younger than me or married. I have a very traditional family that has very rigid ideas of gender roles for men and woman. I live at home and it is always an issue when I go out…as opposed to my younger brother who is not questioned when he stays out late. How do you advise I meet available single men and start dating? I would like to settle down one day and have family but for now…I would like to date and find chemistry with an interesting and compatible person. Please advise!!
I have written two articles that may help:
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part I
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part II
If you don’t think you are sexy no one will. Your past matters not. What matters is your future. Find some confidence. Find some sexy. You know what sexy looks like, it’s just hard for you to apply those concepts to yourself. Get some help. Ask a friend to go shopping with you. If that doesn’t work for you email some pictures to me and I can have my wife give you some pointers. My wife is sexy den-a-mug.
Phoenix, AZ ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast,there is a guy at my church I am attracted to. He’s cute and there is this compassion in his character. However, I don’t know how to get him to notice me. We serve in two different departments at church and we are running past each other but never saying anything. I really hate the whole “hooking up” at church thing. People love to talk and be all in the business. I’m a really private and reserved person. He’s a little different than my typical kind of guy because he is overweight and I typically don’t date overweight men, but I am looking for a husband who can love me and build a real life. I am getting too old to be messing around with pretty boy Floyd. I have to admit I have never been much of a dater in my adult life. I was a serial dater when I wasn’t saved but when I got serious about my walk with God 10 years ago the whole Russian Roulette dating method I previously held died a sudden death. I feel kinda plain Jane in a building of glamazons. I think because I haven’t been out in sooooo looong that maybe I’ve lost “IT” and wonder if I’ll ever get “IT” back. I would really like to get to know him and try and build a friendship. See if what I’m seeing from a distance is authentic. I don’t want to play games I just want to know what I should or shouldn’t do.
I have written two articles that may help search for:
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part I
How to Ask A Guy Out On A Date Part II
I commend you for looking for characteristics that resemble a potential good husband rather than a potential good looking baby daddy.
Chicago, IL ~ Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast, Why do men, especially ex-boyfriends, do irrational things like get into arguments/outbursts (with you for no apparent reason), text/email, etc. seemingly right before they get engaged to someone else/the person they are with at the time? Do they really think that a woman wants to respond (in any way) to such a cowardly approach? Why not just call or arrange to see the woman in person if you have something to say?
LOL! You got to read my book to get an answer to that. Oftentimes people are attracted to my title but really my book is about “The Emotional Instability of Men.” The behavior that you are asking about above is the behavior of a man that is emotionally unstable.