Millions of people listened to my interview this past Friday with Tom Joyner, Jacque Reid, Damon Wayans, Kim Whitely, Sybil Shepard and Arsenio Hall, where I unapologetically proclaimed, “Divorce Is Not An Option”, and that ALL MARRIAGES CAN BE SAVED! Many called me bold and brave. Some called me ignorant and ridiculous. However, the most important calls were the 20+ requests I received for husband coaching and wife coaching.
I do not believe in marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is where you sit two people in a room with a facilitator and they try to hash it out. What I do is sit one person in a room and I tell them how to be a better spouse. Today, I had to explain to a man how to regain and maintain the respect required from his wife in order to lead the marriage. Today, I had to explain to a woman that telling a man, “I don’t respect you”, is just like that man saying to her, “I don’t love you.” There is nothing wrong with marriage. We don’t need marriage facilitators. We need people to hold husbands and wives accountable for their actions. On every team there are coaches and players. People often think of the head coach but position coaches play a vital role in the success of the team. The Quarterback Coach coaches the quarterbacks. The Running Back Coach coaches the running backs. The Receivers Coach coaches the receivers. The running backs and receivers are not allowed to attend the quarterback meeting. I coach husbands. I coach wives. I don’t allow husband to attend the wife’s meeting. I don’t allow wives to attend the husband’s meeting. So what that means is when I am in a coaching session with a husband we don’t talk about the wife. When I am in a coaching session with a wife we don’t talk about the husband. My entire session with the husband is about what the husband can do better in the marriage. My entire session about the wife is about what the wife can do better. So in a coaching session today when a husband said to me, “Both of us allow arguments to turn into fights.” I corrected him and said “You allow arguments to turn into fights.” Then when his wife said in our session, “We are not good at forgiving each other.” I corrected her and said, “You are not good at forgiving him.”
I believe that one person can save a marriage. I have coached spouses through saving their marriage without the other spouse doing anything. (I know, pretty amazing right? I know.) It is a process. Husband cheated, wife puts dat azz out. Wife is not interested in forgiveness, she’s saving for the high powered attorney. I yelled at that brother, “Ignore what she is doing! Mind your business.” We go to work! Week #1 – Commitment. I teach it. He digests it. We figure out why he cheated. We figure out that he is not good at communicating his needs to his wife. Which is fine, because in Week #2 I teach Communication. (How neat is that? Pretty neat huh?) We send off a Week #1 Progress Report to the wife. We do not expect a response. We express our love, we do not expect an expression of love in return. This is practicing humility. This is practicing communication. This is putting thoughts before words and actions after words. Week #3 – Respect. He didn’t understand why respect was so important until now. Answer your phone when she calls. Be where you say you are going to be. Do what you said you were going to do. Never lie. Ever. Never do anything that would have to cause you to lie. You cannot lead a woman that does not respect you. If she does not respect you, it is your fault because she wants to respect you. Initially, she gave you respect. You lost her respect with your actions. Send off a progress report, we expect no response. We send a Good Morning text every day like we use to with “I love you.” We send Good Night text every night like we use to . . . even when we didn’t miss you, “I miss you baby.” Week #4 – Trust. We send the progress report. Week – #5 Love. We send the progress report. Week #6 – Healing . . . she’s right on time. She calls me. Now she needs to get these 5 weeks in her life! I let ‘em do Week #6 and Week #7 – Forgiveness together, but oh trust and believe, we went back and got those five weeks in. (Healing is for her. Forgiveness is for him. If you cannot heal, if you don’t know how to forgive, stay single. Marriage is for grown people.)
Divorce Is Not An Option but staying in a bad marriage is equally not an option. I never get to say the second part of my principle legislation. People are so offended when I say Divorce Is Not An Option . . . Divorce Is Not An Option . . . and Divorce Is Not An Option again, that I never get to explain that I don’t expect people to stay together who are unhappy. I expect people to figure out again why they once loved each other. I expect people to compromise. I expect husbands to be better husbands and I expect wives to be better wives so we can have better marriages. Figure it out! You can’t make it perfect but it will be better than it was, and it will continue to get better every day. I have folks all up in my office screaming, yelling, crying and cussing, “But I don’t love them anymore.” My response is “SO WHAT?” I have seen it all, heard it all, wrote a book about it. Husbands have looked me in the eye and said, “I do not want to be with her anymore”, only to come back crying a month later asking for help. I have had a plethora of wives tell me . . . their favorite line . . . “I’m done. I’ve checked out.” Thirty days later . . . I decided that I still love him. I have never said to anyone, “I think you should get a divorce” . . . wait, one time, but her husband was clinically crazy. Of course the wife still wanted to fight for the marriage. I was like, “Honey, that man is going to kill you!”
I do not condone spousal abuse of any kind. So if a woman comes to me and says, “My husband punched me in the face. Please help us save our marriage.” My response is “Ah, no. I am not talking about marriage. Forget your marriage. What do we need to do to get you help in dealing with your abuse?” I have never and will never tell a wife to go home to an abusive husband. I will never tell a husband to put up with a verbally abusive wife. Abuse and marriage don’t mix. Abuse is outside of marriage or marriage is of no consideration when abuse takes place. Marriage is about two people. Abuse is about one person. One person who needs to go to jail or one person who needs to get help to determine why they are not pressing charges against the person who needs to go to jail.
#DINAOP – The Divorce Is Not An Option Project
*NEW ARTICLES* every Tuesday and Thursday @ noon!
Please be sure to leave a comment on the article below!