Steven: It is not a problem. I work on some Saturdays. Depends on the honey-do list that my wife has for me! How can I be of service today?
Theresa: (She begins to cry.) I came home yesterday from traveling this week and my husband was gone.
Steven: Gone where?
Theresa: I talked to him at 3:00 PM yesterday. Told him that my plane had landed and I was on my way home. When I got home at home at 5:00 he wasn’t there. I thought we were robbed because the living room furniture was gone! I called him and he didn’t answer. I sent him a text and told him “We have been robbed!!!” He responded and said, “I took the living room set. You can have the bedroom set. I took the second bedroom. You can have the office furniture and the dining room. I will come back and get the stuff out of the media room. You can keep everything else. It’s over, I want a divorce.”
Steven: He asked for a divorce over text?
Theresa: Yes! What kind of mother f@cker does that? Then he sent another text and said, “I took half of the money that we have in savings! But he didn’t put half the money into the savings account! What kind of a man does that? I don’t know what to do! That’s why I wanted to call you before I do anything. I want my marriage. I love my husband. We have struggled in our marriage for these two years but I didn’t think he would leave. I definitely didn’t think he would leave without talking to me first. I definitely didn’t think he would ask me for a divorce over text! He has mentioned that he thought we made a mistake in getting married a few times. We had a big fight before I left out of town but we talked a few times while I was gone. Not about our disagreement but regular stuff.
Steven: What was your disagreement about?
Steven: Ok, and?
Theresa: Our lack thereof. We waited two years until we were married to have sex and our sexual chemistry is off. I am needier when it comes to intimacy and affection; he is more about straight up sex. I am happy with the intimacy and affection that we share. He is unhappy with sex twice a week. I am not really interested in sex more than twice a week. Twice is enough for me.
Steven: Well can he get the rest of what he needs from someone else?
Theresa: Hell no!
Steven: If you can make all the decisions that you want about your sex life, then why can’t he make all of the decisions that he wants about his sex life?
Theresa: What do you mean?
Steven: You just said, “Sex twice a week is enough for me.” You have made a decision about your sex life. Does he have the same rights and privileges about his sex life?
Steven: I am saying that you have made a decision that is best for you and not what is best for your marriage. Single people get to make all of the decisions about their life. Married people have to compromise. So if he wants to have sex 4 times a week and you want to have sex 2 times a week then 3 times a week is an easy negotiation. So do you think your husband left you because he is unhappy sexually? How often would he like to have sex?
Theresa: He definitely left because of our lack of sex. I just don’t think it is that serious. We have good sex. He just wants to have sex all the time! Every day! He is making sex more important than the marriage. It seems like sex is everything to him.
Steven: Theresa, you act as if you think that you are still single and can turn on and off not only your sex life, but his too. Maybe him leaving was the best thing if you are not willing to compromise in this area of your marriage. What makes your relationship unique? What makes marriage unique from all other relationships is that you can only have sex with each other. Are you forgetting that he can’t get sex anywhere else? Are you forgetting that his entire sex life and all of his sexual fantasies . . . you are the one source of all of those things? I would venture to say that the average man is sexually satisfied with 3 great sexual experiences a week. You said that you guys have good sex, what would he say?
Theresa: He says that it’s not that good. He sometimes complains that I just lay there but that’s only partially true. That’s how I like to be during sex. I let my body go limp and relax; that is how I reach my peak. I like for my man to work. I am not his damn porno star.
Steven: OMG! You are a narcissist and you are being selfish! Ok, so who is his porno star, if not you? Did you have that statement removed in the job description of wife before you married him? If he is a good husband and you are not his porno star, then you are making a huge mistake. Sex is not one sided; it is supposed to meet both of your needs. To think that it’s all about how you want it and how often negates the need for a partner. If that were the case, you could have remained single or chosen to pleasure yourself. But that’s not the way it is in marriage. So, summarize the quality of husband you have. Is he loving, dependable, sensitive, affectionate? Does he send flowers? Does he help out around the house? Does he work hard? Is he planning for a future for you guys? Tell me about him.
Theresa: He is a good man. He is not perfect but I know that he loves me and will do anything that he can to make me happy. He does work hard and he does help out around the house. He is a great father to his son that he had before me. We don’t have any kids together yet. I am not sure that I want kids but I love his son. He is a good man. He is sexy too. I am just tired all the time. I work hard. I travel a lot on my job. I am always sleepy when he wants to have sex.
Steven: Are you not attracted to him? Does he do special things for you? One of the things I teach men is called, “No Smile, No Sex.” That means that if you haven’t tried to make her smile today, then don’t try to sex her tonight.
Theresa: I am not going to sit here and complain about him. That wouldn’t be right or fair. He is a good man. I guess I just need to make more time for sex.
Steven: Where is he now? He sent you a text message. Have you talked to him since then?
Theresa: I called him about five times last night and three more times this morning. Sent a bunch of text messages. He won’t respond to me.
Steven: What is his number? I will call him.
Theresa: What, really?
Steven: Yep. When a man calls a man about his wife he always picks up the phone. I will call him later this afternoon. Do you know his schedule at work? Is he pretty flexible? Could you guys possibly come into the office on Monday afternoon for a session?
Theresa: Yes, that should work. He will have to confirm but I will make time. Thank you so much! I will be waiting on your call.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS THURSDAY @ NOON WHEN I CALL THERESA’S HUSBAND!
#DINAOP – The Divorce Is Not An Option Project
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