Ok, I literally had to take off two weeks from writing in order to handle the influx of requests for Relationship Coaching. The most common question presented to me over the past two weeks was, “Can you help us?” My response is always the same, “I am paid to do a job. I am paid to save your marriage. So the question is not for me, it is for you. Can you help me help you?”
I have held coaching sessions with husbands and wives, engaged folks, divorced folks, boyfriends and girlfriends. Husbands who have cheated. Wives who have cheated. Husbands who have been spat on. Wives who have put husbands out only to later beg them to come home. Baby daddies having babies with other baby mommas. Wives trying to fight their mother-in-law. Son-in-laws going to the trunk on their father-in-law. She spent all the money. He doesn’t have a job. He won’t help me with the kids. “Those are not my damn kids!” Money problems. Sex problems. Legal problems. BRING IT ALL ON! I have seen and heard it all and to all my unequivocal response remains that, “Divorce Is Not An Option!”
My Pastor . . . don’t you just love the opportunity to say the words, “My Pastor?” Pastor Conway Edwards of ONE Community Church, said in the church house on Sunday, “When you signed your marriage license, you signed two places! One signature was here on earth. The other signature is in heaven!” BAMMM! So you can tear up your marriage license here on earth BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET TO THAT MARRIAGE LICENSE THAT GOD HAS UP IN HEAVEN? HA! HA! HA! That just made me laugh out loud in church. YOU DA MAN PASSSSTAH! YOU DA MAN! GO! GO! GO! That got me turnt up in the church house!
You’re not getting a divorce! You’re not getting a divorce! You’re not getting a divorce! You either! I don’t care! Work it out! Fix it! Compromise! Sacrifice! Work! Fight! Love again. Ok, so back to the Divorce Is Not An Option Project. Remember, we were talking to John and Theresa and John . . . you know what, not telling you. Go back and read the other articles yourself!
Steven: John, for you to sneak off and leave your wife the way you did is cowardly. Your actions make it impossible for me to give you the benefit of the doubt in consideration for the efforts you made in leading your wife. My principle is, “All marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of the man.” I always start off a coaching session non-judgmentally because I don’t care what a person did or didn’t do in the past. I only care about what they are willing to do to save their marriage in the future. But in your case John, what made you think it was okay to move out while your wife was gone and then text her that you wanted a divorce?
John: Okay, what I did was wrong. I made a bad decision. I really do love my wife, but she is just so tough to deal with. I was at my wit’s end. I did it to hurt her because she had hurt me.
Steven: My principle is, “All marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of the man.” What you have exhibited is that you are unfit for leadership. Your marriage has failed because of you. I need you to understand that. Even if we never work this thing out with Theresa, even if you never marry again, you need to know that. Do you understand that?
John: Are you saying that the entire failure of our marriage is my fault? So she is perfect? She did no wrong?
Steven: You have a follower’s mentality. Leaders don’t worry about what other people are doing. Leaders take responsibility for failure. Women ruin marriages every day but the ultimate responsibility of the success or failure of the marriage lies with the man. God left Adam in charge. God did not question Eve. God could care-less what Eve was doing. “Where art thou Adam?” And I believe that God was not looking for physical representation of Adam. He was looking for the Adam that He made! Because God was like, “I didn’t make this raggedy Adam! Where is the Adam that I made? The Adam that I entrusted with the gift of Eve?” Eve is a gift. Eve was created from Adam’s rib. Man will take responsibility for his seeds but won’t take responsibility for his rib. #Weird
John: Okay, so how do I fix it?
Steven: It won’t be quick. It won’t be easy.
Steven: Theresa can you come in here please?
John: Go where?
Steven: Go in! Apologize! Beg! Let’s do it! Go IIIIIINNNNN!
John: Theresa I know that . . . (I stop him.)
Steven: Wait, wait, hold up. It is not explain time. It is apology time. We have to open up with, “I am sorry.”
John: Theresa, I am sorry. What I did was wrong. I know that I hurt you. I love you. I am learning now how to be a leader. If you are willing to . . . (I stop him.)
Steven: Nah, nah, nah, bruh. No questions. Statements. Statements about what you are going to do differently. Statements about mistakes that you made. ACTION! TAKE TWO!
Steven: Theresa, stop crying.
Steven: Stop crying. That’s enough. We need to put in this work to save this marriage. I need you to be receptive to this apology. I need you to pay close attention. Don’t miss a word. Sit up. Get up. Let’s get it together. John . . . ACTION! TAKE THREE!
Theresa: Can I go to the restroom for a minute?
Steven: (I whisper to John.) You gotta bring it man. If you got to get on bended knee. If you got to shed a tear. Do what you have to do man. We are on the verge of losing her. We can take steps in the right direction right now or we will be stuck right here for weeks trying to pull Theresa out of her feelings. Do you want to spend the next 8 weeks apologizing? Do it now man. Everything you got! We are not apologizing anymore! This is it bro! Do it!
Theresa: Okay, I am ready now. (She is a new woman. She is ready. I am afraid for John. Why are you afraid, oh fearless leader? He has got to be terrified. Oh my God! The look on this woman’s face! She about to kill everybody!)
John: I love you baby. I don’t want a divorce. I just wanted to shake you. I went about this wrong way. I didn’t know what to do so I did something stupid. All I do is think about you every day. I know that I made a mistake. Hopefully you will give me a chance to fix it. With the help of Steven I am going to learn how to be a better leader. I WILL be a better husband for our marriage. (He begins to cry. I am not going to cry. I am just working here. I am not paid enough to cry.) I cannot see my life without you. I was going to come home. I was just trying to teach you a listen. It was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know how leaving became a good idea in my hurt and confused thought process. I know you are going to make me pay for it. I am prepared to do the work to fix our marriage for good. (I begin to cry.)
Theresa: John, why did you . . . (I cut her off and I didn’t really cry. I shed a tear. By the time we had got here I had wiped that tear away and I was back!)
Steven: Nope! Nope! Nope! Theresa we are not going to overlook his apology. That is it for today. I want us to leave on a positive note. I want you to receive his apology. If I let you start attacking him we will not leave on a positive note. We need these small victories. We will have plenty of time for you to rip his head off but today, allow his apology to resonate in your soul because he is not apologizing again. It is over. I am not going to let you “LIVE” in the problem. It does not benefit us. He has no good answers to any of your questions. Besides, I’ve been here with y’all for two hours and I have two more crazy people that will be here in 10 minutes to fight for their love. Y’all ain’t got to go home but . . .
Some will say that I should have let Theresa vent her frustrations. To them I say, “You don’t know my clients! You’re not up in here! Back back!” Theresa is what I like to call a “Problem Identifier.” Once the problem is identified she can’t move past it. She stays there and complains about it. To save marriages I have to turn Problem Identifiers into Problem Solvers. I save marriages every day. “Divorce Is Not An Option.”
#DINAOP – The Divorce Is Not An Option Project
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