How are we doing today Michelle?

“I just don’t think that you can fix our marriage Steven. I am so angry at him. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to talk to him. I just want him to go away. Of the three things that you laid out in order for me to grant forgiveness, he has only done one! That one is contacting you and I don’t know how much credit I can give him for that because he has contacted counselors before and nothing has ever changed. He has not shown me any remorse. He has not changed. He cannot recommit until he has changed.”

He has taken full responsibility for all of the troubles in your marriage. That is the first step in my process of developing leadership within a man. I have talked to Scott a number of times since you and I last talked. If it is ok with you, I would like to invite him in right now . . .

“He is here?”

I knew it would be necessary for him to apologize to you in person so I asked him to come back and meet with us again today. Is that ok?

“I guess, if he is here.”

Come on in Scott. I have this list in front of me of 54 things that you have done wrong to your wife. Were you aware that she had this many problems with you?

“I know that she is mad at me about a bunch of stuff but I had no idea that it was that much.”

You have been a horrible, horrible husband. No woman should be subject to the things that you have put Michelle through. You let your family question Michelle while she was pregnant on if the baby was yours?!?!? Are you serious? Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you defend her? What were you doing? You were sitting right there, right?

“Yes, I was. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that they said that to her. I was in shock. I couldn’t say any thing. I know I should have said something. That was my fault.”

As her husband you are responsible for her security, safety and protection from all things and everyone including you and your family. By not defending Michelle what you did was say to both her and your family that your marriage comes second.

“I know. If I could go back in time and fix it, I would. Man I have messed up a lot. I have apologized. I am learning. I’m sorry. Just tell me what to do and I will do it because I love my wife today more than I have ever loved her before and I know that everything is my fault.”

Don’t tell me. Tell her. We need from you right now the most heart-felt apology that you can deliver. Look her in the eye and tell her how you feel. Can you do that? We are looking for remorse here, Scott.

Do you think Scott is going to be able to deliver a heartfelt apology? Do you think Michelle will believe him? This should be interesting! Tune in next week for more of “The Divorce Is Not An Option Project.”

As I reviewed the list of problems that Michelle had with her husband Scott I only had one thing on my mind. How can I convince Michelle that none of these problems will ever happen again? I can teach Scott. Training men to be husbands is not a problem for me. As I reviewed the list again and again looking for an angle, searching for a place to start I noticed that a majority of the issues took place before Michelle and Scott were married. They have been married for 6 years! She has been holding on to these issues for six or more years? WOW! I immediately called Michelle and let her know that when you get married, you start over. You wipe the slate clean. You can’t bring anything outside of the marriage into the marriage.

Hello Michelle this is Steven James Dixon. Is this a good time to talk?

 “Yeah, sure.”

I am reviewing your list here and noticed that you have 54 items. Please hear me out when I say that having 54 complaints about your husband is too many complaints. Many of your complaints are extremely valid and are things that I will discuss in detail with your husband but some I feel are a bit nitpicky. (I say this in the most sensitive tone that I can.)

“He did those things to me. You can’t take that from me. They all hurt, I remember them all and I am not forgiving him for doing those things to me.”

Michelle, you have to forgive him. In marriage, forgiveness is not an option. When you agreed to marry him, what you did was say to him, “I love you enough that I am confident that when you make a mistake I can forgive you and we will work through the problem.” You did not believe that he was perfect when you married him did you?

“No, I didn’t think he was perfect.”

If you knowingly married an imperfect person then you also knew that person would make mistakes. When you say, “I DO,” what you are really saying is, “I DO LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR MISTAKES.” If you don’t love a person enough to forgive them then you should not marry that person. We all make mistakes. We all will need our partner’s forgiveness. Now depending on what your partner does wrong, he or she may need to get counseling and re-commit to the marriage but not being able to forgive in marriage is unacceptable. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision. You won’t wake up tomorrow and feel like forgiving him. It is your obligation as a spouse to forgive once your spouse has met a certain criteria to earn your forgiveness. Now you can set the criteria that will be necessary for you to feel comfortable but that criteria must be realistic and achievable. You don’t have to forgive Scott today. Forgiveness is not automatic, it is definitely earned. Scott has got some apologizing to do and some learning to do and then he can get to earning.

“I don’t think I can do that, why should I do that? You are giving him a free pass!!!” (She says this angrily.)

No you gave him a free pass when you married him. I believe that all spouses can be forgiven for anything if they show remorse, agree to get counseling and agree to recommit themselves to their marriage. Next week we will discuss if Scott has met that criteria.

We took that data, analyzed it, tweaked it and republished it! So far we have more women than men scoring 10s but we have a lot more women than men scoring 1s. Women have a greater capacity to feel love but they also have a greater capacity to feel pain. These early quiz results caused somewhat of an adjustment to the purpose of the Love Capacity Book & Quiz. (Love Capacity Book due out in August 2012.) The initial purpose of the #LoveCapacity Quiz was only to test one’s capacity to love, but now I know that I am also having to teach #LoveCapacity. Many people know how to give love. More people don’t know what love is.

Before you even get started, I am telling you right now to stop thinking that you are going to automatically score a “10” on the #LoveCapacity Quiz! More than likely you will probably score around a “5”. You know why? Because statistics show that half of us are going to suffer through a divorce in our lifetime. The median score of “5” would reflect the successfulness rate of the current state of relationships. I still wish you luck though.

That being said, I created the quiz with the control in mind that I want women who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score a “10” on the quiz. I want men who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score at least a “7” on the quiz. Fellas, let’s be honest, the average woman knows more or is more concerned about love then the average man is. The initial interest that average woman has over the average man concerning love affords them a three point expectation increase in their #LoveCapacity Score. It became clear pretty quickly that the average woman and the average man have both suffered through some relationship disappointment. Early quiz results have shown that the “Love Capacity” of the average woman is 3. The “Love Capacity” of the average man is 4. Our relationships and marriages are in trouble!

Here are the list of #LoveCapacity Scores & Explanations!

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Your Love Capacity Score Is:  0 or 1 = Damaged

Your observations and experiences with love have shaped your love capacity. You are angry and hurt or selfish and needy. Either you stayed too long in a bad relationship or someone stayed in a bad relationship too long with you. . . which made you think that you were good at relationships.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 2 = Flawed

You are better at giving love than you are at receiving love. You lack confidence in the ability of the opposite sex to match your #LoveCapacity. Something is broken. I don’t know what it is. Neither do you.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 3 = Confused

You are better at receiving love than you are at giving love but WE KNOW that you can love at a greater capacity. You need the right person to bring out of you all of the love that you have inside to offer.

Your Love Capacity Score Is:  4 = Afraid

Your Love Capacity is balanced. You are capable of giving and receiving love at the same rate but you don’t. In each of your relationships you purposely hold back or you think that they are purposely holding back.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 5 = Under Construction

Sometimes your relationships move too fast. Sometimes your relationships move too slow. Sometimes it’s them. Sometimes it’s you. I want the people who score a Love Capacity of 5 to do a better job of defining beforehand what they want out of a partner and a relationship. If you don’t know what you want, don’t date. If you know what you want, don’t change what you want based on the person that you are dating.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 6 = Ready For Dating

You may be married or in a relationship but you have the Love Capacity of a Dater. A Dater is prepared to enter into a relationship without bringing in the emotional baggage from past relationships. But you may not be ready to happily sacrifice for the sake of a relationship. You may compromise on occasion but your sacrifices tend to build resentment instead of love.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 7 = Ready For A Relationship

If you are a Girlfriend or Boyfriend you are on target – GREAT! If you are a spouse not so great. You may be in a good relationship but I want you to be great in a marriage. I want you to be a great spouse. You are not ready to give/receive love at the highest capacity just yet. You are no longer hurting but you haven’t healed. Healed means that you can love unconditionally.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 8 = Ready To Love

1.) You are ready to give love. 2.) You are not ready to receive love or 3.) You don’t demand love in return. If you love someone and they don’t love you back that will negatively impact your Love Capacity Score because Love Capacity is not just about giving love. Love Capacity is about knowing the value of your love and not allowing someone to devalue it.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 9 = Ready For Love

You are ready to give and receive love. Receiving love is about your ability to take responsibility for the love that someone gives you. You understand that your actions can cause your loved ones pain. You are concerned about the possibility of you hurting your loved one. You are not interested in dating or relationships. You are only interested in marriage and family.

Your Love Capacity Score Is: 10+ = Ready For Marriage

You have maxed out your “Love Capacity.” You are able to give and receive an unconditional, forgiving, profoundly tender, passionate affection toward another person for the rest of your life. You have the best foundation possible to have a successful marriage.

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The detailed explanation of the scoring system and advice as to how to increase your capacity to love can only be found in the book Love Capacity. The Love Capacity book release date is slated for August 2012.

If you would like to have a one on one session with Steven to discuss how to increase your Love Capacity Score please Click Here  and scroll to the bottom of the page for more details.

Thank you in advance for taking the #Love Capacity Quiz on http://www.LoveCapacity.com.

*It is imperative that each of us reach out to men directly and ask them to take the quiz. For every one woman that takes the quiz, I need that woman to commit to having five men take the quiz.*

 “I am man enough to admit that I drove her to cheat because I didn’t pay her any attention.”

 I said, “WOW!”

 Scott continued, “I did not know how to be a husband. I was treating her like she was a girlfriend and she was my wife. I didn’t even treat her like a good girlfriend. I treated her like a regular girlfriend, meaning that I did not provide her with any special treatment. I knew that she was unhappy. I knew that I could treat her better, I just didn’t and I don’t why. It wasn’t until she cheated and I had almost lost my family did I wake up. Steven, I need you to help me save my marriage.”

 Is divorce an option for you?

 “No.”

That is the first step. Are you sure that you are over her cheating on you and are you absolutely sure that you have forgiven her for her indiscretion?

“If I would have showed her that I loved her then, the way that I am trying to show her that I love her now, we would not have had a problem. It is like I cannot get through to her now. No matter what I say she doesn’t want to hear it. I told her that I am sorry about the way that I used to treat her. She does not accept my apology. I told her that I forgive her for her indiscretion. She does not care. What can I do?”

Scott, your wife won’t accept your apology because you have not given her reason to believe that the mistakes that you have made in the past won’t happen again in the future. She is looking for you to be good husband consistently before forgiving you. 

“I am trying to show her but she doesn’t trust me. She thinks that I have been cheating on her the whole time.”  

We have to figure out what is keeping her from trusting you. Can I call her?

“She is probably not going to talk to you. She says that we always go to marriage counselors but nothing ever changes.”

Yeap, you have a problem with consistency. You have probably agreed to do some things differently in the past and somehow or another you failed at your commitment to her. Let her know about my principle that, “All marriages are either successful or they fail based on the leadership of the man.” Let her know that I said that you are wrong and through my counseling we are going to fix the issues and you will become a better husband.

A week later Scott calls me and says “She is not going to talk to you man, but I appreciate the offer.”

“Give me her number. I will call her. You have nothing to lose.”

“Man, she says that I am always forcing her to do stuff. If I force her to talk to you then she will be complaining to me about that too.”

“Scott, you have nothing to lose. I can’t make her any angrier than she already is.”

“You can call her today at 5:30 PM. She will be driving home then. Her number is 305-281-5555.”

What do you think is going to happen when I call Michelle?

1. ) She will hang up in my face!
2. ) She will refuse to talk to me!
3. ) She will be open to having a conversation?
4. ) Both A & B & challenge me to a fight?

After a radio interview one day, I received an email from a husband named Scott. Scott heard me on the radio and asked me to help save his marriage. (When men email me and ask for help, I call them back immediately. If a man is asking for help, I know that he is ready to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. I predict that I will have his marriage on track by mid-afternoon. Easy.) Scott explains that his marriage is in trouble. His wife is very unhappy and she is talking about leaving him. She is leaving him and she is the one that cheated!!! I tell him right up front:

I would not leave my Wife if she cheated on me if she agreed to go to counseling and recommit herself to our marriage. Divorce is not an option. We are going to fix you and save your marriage. I believe that all marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of the man. We have to figure out why she cheated. Women cheat for a reason. What did you do or not do to have her deem it necessary to find comfort in another man’s arms?

He tells me as best as he could every thing that his wife is upset about. She does not trust him. Scott has had some inappropriate conversation and interactions with women. No cheating, but a few items that would make my wife say, “Get your butt over here!” She does not feel like she is important to him. Scott explains that there have been multiple occasions over the years where he has allowed his family to disrespect his wife in his presence. He offers no explanation as to why he allowed these things to happen. Scott has apologized for the things that he has done wrong but Michelle refuses to forgive him or accept his apology. She is convinced that she will never be the most important person in his life.

I notice that in Scott’s summary of the marriage he does not spend a lot of time talking about his wife cheating. I say to him:

Scott, have you forgiven your wife for cheating on you?

Find out what Scott said next week!

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The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – Hudson Family – Week 1

The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – Hudson Family – Week 2

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Visit LoveCapacity.com & take your

Love Capacity Quiz today! Click Here!

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

But as THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST I find it necessary to close this gap in my relationship expertise. I have to provide something to my millions and millions and millions of fans globally and universally who decide that they still need Closure even though I done told them that they don’t need it. (#GoUniversalORGoHome)

So here we go! If you need Closure here it is. It is right here forever more. If you had an ex-boyfriend that didn’t give you Closure five years ago and you still need it  . . . the following letter will suffice. If you broke up with your 2^nd boyfriend today  . . . the following letter will suffice. If you break up with a boyfriend 10 years from tomorrow  . . . the following letter will suffice.

I received this letter from one of my followers. She said that she wanted Closure and he gave it to her. The names and cities have been changed to protect the girls and boys.

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I started dating a man 3 months ago that I previously dated in college (some 15 or so years ago). We broke up in college because we were not mature enough or prepared for a serious life-long commitment. We did love each other. Three months ago we reconnected. It was a love story for the ages. He said that he considered me “the one that got away” and spoke strongly of not letting me get away again. Everything was great. We got along and saw each other as often as possible (we live in different cities). We rekindled our flame. We quickly fell in love again. It was like we were never apart.

Then he cheated with an ex. I wanted to work it out because that’s what love does. I wanted to put some work behind my feelings. Finally after a couple of exchanges via text/emails, this was his final response to fixing our relationship:

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This is not easy for me. I feel terrible for dragging you down this path. To be honest, I had not chartered a course for coming to you without the outside influences. When we re-connected Sharon was out of the picture but I allowed her to creep back in. I’m not sure if you saw the emails from Tasha in my mailbox when you went through my email. I had already told Tasha that it was over between us and we had to remain friends. Nothing happened but I can understand why the pictures don’t make sense.

I think that you are looking at the women that I have been involved with and you are thinking that my actions have something to do with them. It’s not them, it’s me. This is not the first time that I have been caught cheating. It seems that I have a slight aversion to fidelity. I don’t chase, but I have a hard time saying no when I am pursued. I am not programmed to need to be in a relationship or to need to be loved, so I focus more on what I am giving up than what it is I am getting when deciding on whether or not to take the plunge.

 I know that means that I will be old and undesirable by the time I figure out how to be with just one woman. But, I can’t be the one that causes you to cry like you were the other day again. I can honestly tell you that with these two chicks out of the picture, I don’t know how I would handle the next temptation. I know this sounds like some pimp sh*t but I feel like I need to protect you from me. I am not who you think I am. I am not as good as you think I am. You have too much faith in me.

The fact that you are trying to save our relationship when I am the one that messed up is amazing to me.  You are too good for me. I am so embarrassed at what you read in those emails that I am afraid that I cannot face you anytime soon. Just hearing your voice made me feel ill because you sounded so sweet, vulnerable and broken (and a little enraged).

I don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I am not ready to receive your type of love and I am definitely not ready to give the type of love that you need. I HONESTLY thought that reuniting with you would fix all of my relationship issues but it didn’t. I felt smothered. The first time when you stayed for 5 days I thought that it was too early for that long of a stay but I went with the flow but I should have spoken up then. As you stated, you have done nothing wrong. I had a blatant disregard for you and your feelings and I feel awful because your family and son were brought into it too. I wasn’t mature enough to slow things down and now we are here.

Since you demand an immediate answer, I have to advise you to move on without me because I have no idea when I will be any good for anybody. I am so sorry for everything.

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My heart is broken into a million little pieces. I am so unsure of myself! How could I have misjudged this person? Everything he showed me was on the up and up . . . or so I thought. I never felt like he was fooling himself to be with me or that I was forcing myself on him. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest and now he’s just yet another guy who thinks “I’m too good for him.” Help please.

–

THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST: “You don’t need no help. You need to thank that man for being honest with you today. He could have waited and sent you this letter tomorrow or next month or next year. Shoot, you only wasted three months. You are lucky! You know how many women are waiting on a letter like this? You know how many women want to know the truth? He gave you the truth!”

Here is my simple advice to those of you who have yet to move on: I have always been more concerned about not wasting my tomorrow than I am concerned about having wasted my yesterday. You can have my yesterday. You cannot have my tomorrow.

Ok so now you have your Closure. Closure is the final chapter. It is over. Let it go. Walk away. Don’t drunk dial him. Skip the angry text messages. Unfriend him. Block him. You screaming one of the following lines will not cause a change of heart:

5. You are making a big mistake!

4. You will regret this!

3. You will be back!

2. I will be here when you come back!

1. I am the best thing that ever happen to you!

How To Save A Marriage In One Year.

Step #1:  For the first three months, it is self evaluation time. Are you a part of the problem? Many of you will not be able to answer this question truthfully so let me help you out a bit. If you can be a better spouse and you are not, then you are a part of the problem. I know it was a couple of years back and there was a lot of excitement at the time and you were probably hung over but on your wedding day at some point you vowed to be the best spouse in the world. Try that being the best spouse in the world thing before leaving your marriage. Being the best spouse is not about what your spouse deserves. It is about making sure that you are giving your best effort in your marriage.

Step #2:  For the next three more months purge your anger. Get rid of your heartache and disappointment and most of all stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not the only person in the world that has had trouble in their marriage. Purging yourself of your anger is a decision that you have to make, it is not a feeling that you acquire over time. You have to say to yourself, “I can have a happy marriage if I can be a happy person.” You cannot save a marriage, compromise, meet halfway, see your spouse’s point of view, you can’t do anything for your marriage if you continue to blame them for your emotionally instability. You have to forgive and heal before you can start working on fixing your marriage. If you cannot purge your anger be sure to take responsibility and explain to all your friends and family that you are the problem and that marriage. Let your family know that your spouse deserves someone who will try a lot harder to save their marriage.

We are always talking about divorce. If we are not talking about divorce we are talking about who is getting married. Well, I want to talk about and write about how to stay married.

I talk to couples who have marital problems every day. While the people that I talk to are different, the problems within the marriages are very much the same. The problems are the same because the solution is the same. The solution is a technological advancement in relationship problem solving and conflict resolution that I created and developed called, “The D.I.N.A.O. Project,” short for “Divorce Is Not An Option.” We can save our marriages if we are taught, if we are trained, if we exhibited and if we all believed that divorce is not an option as a solution to a troubled marriage.

What is unique about D.I.N.A.O. and why it’s light years ahead of all relationship therapeutic treatments is that it looks at the end result of a relationship problem first, and then works its way backwards to the root of the problem.

The end result of too many marriages today is divorce. I start off all of my relationship counseling sessions explaining to couples why they don’t want a divorce. I have been there. Divorce sucks. Divorce hurts. Divorce is for losers. You don’t want to be a loser do you? Divorce means that you quit, that you failed, that you are a failure. You don’t want a divorce. D.I.N.A.O.

The second thing that I say to couples is, “How long would it take to get your life back to where it is today?” You are married and you have a family, a home, savings, a financial plan, goals and dreams. You have built some things from the ground up to what you have today. How long will it take you to rebuild the life that you have right now if you decided to divorce and destroy it? Let’s say it takes you two years minimum to emotionally recover from getting a divorce. The time it takes for you to go and find a new mate could be two more years. The time it takes to get engaged and get married, another two years. The time it takes for you to get back on your financial plan, buying a new house, rebuilding your savings could be years, but let’s just say two more years for the mathematically challenged. In total, it could take you up to eight years to get back to where you are today. Instead of taking eight years to rebuild your life, how about taking one year to re-evaluate your life and fix what you started?

Think you can’t fix a marriage in one year? If Divorce Is Not An Option you can! People learn best by example. The D.I.N.A.O. Project is about providing couples with examples from which to learn and executing this new learned behavior in their own marriages. Luckily for me, there are enough bad marriages out there that I don’t have to make any of this stuff up.

For those of you who are wondering about my credibility to write a column about saving marriages, I will have you know that I am in possession of the absolute best credential necessary to be successful as a relationship expert:  I have actually saved a marriage – my own. And it only took me a year to do it! So before we dive into the first couple in The D.I.N.A.O. Project next week, we are going to talk about “How To Save A Marriage In One Year.”

Visit LoveCapacity.com & take your

Love Capacity Quiz today! Click Here!

Steven James Dixon created a fun and now popular way to determine your own capacity to love. It is called the Love Capacity Quiz. Steven developed the short quiz based on his belief that the average woman has a greater and deeper capacity to love then the average man does. Steven created the quiz with the control in mind that we want women who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score a “10” on the quiz. Steven wants men who have not been damaged from relationship disappointment to score at least a “7” on the quiz. It became clear pretty quickly that the average woman and the average man have both suffered through some major disappointments. Early quiz results have shown that the “Love Capacity” of the average woman is in the 6-7 range. The “Love Capacity” of the average man is in the 4-5 range. Our relationships and marriages are in trouble.

Websters definition of love:

Love – a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Websters definition of capacity:

 Capacity – the ability to receive or contain

Steven James Dixon’s definition of Love Capacity:

Love Capacity – a score given to an individual based on their ability to responsibly receive and give unconditional, forgiving, profoundly tender, passionate affection to another person.

Checkout this fun video that Steven created to explain Love Capacity.

“Love Capacity” is a book about saving relationships and marriages. The purpose of the book is to teach those who have been hurt how to heal so that they can increase their capacity to love or to love again. The book is based on the research and data analysis of the results of the Love Capacity Quiz. You can take your Love Capacity Quiz and retrieve your Love Capacity Score on LoveCapacity.com but the explanation and answers to the quiz will only be found in the Love Capacity book. Quiz data as in the average Love Capacity Score of men over the age of 26 will only be shared through email with those of you who are registered for “The Relationship Report” mailing list. Quiz results will be broken down by gender, relationship status and age. Ok so take the quiz, tell a friend to take the quiz and register for the mailing list on LoveCapacity.com.

*It is especially important that each of us reach out directly to men and have them take the quiz.*