Good day, Bossip fam! As promised, we are re-introducing you to
Steven James Dixon, author of the book, “Men Don’t Heal We Ho,” a Book About the Emotional Instability of Men. After receiving and reading the book, we had to talk to him as we learned he had scripted his experiences with women and marriage and sent it to the press. With chapters that will resonate in the depths of your psyche, Dixon leaves no room for question in this in-depth chronicle of his personal struggles with being a husband after unapologetically “ho”ing. His message is true and the best part, perhaps, is his willingness to share his thoughts and emotions with raw honesty. We had the chance to explore Dixon’s thought process and it’s reminiscent of long chats with an older brother who will never steer you in the wrong direction. No questions go unanswered without brutal candor that cannot be argued – it’s no wonder people would seek the ‘Relationship Beast’s’ opinion. It’s foolproof and simple enough to apply to your love life. Many topics are worthy of discussion, so, please take a look and share your thoughts below! To read the first part of our interview with Mr. Dixon, click here! For part 2, click here!
Bossip: So, let’s touch on the emotional instability of men that you talk about in you book.
Dixon: Some men, who are emotionally unstable, go into this zone where they’re not thinking, they’re not feeling and they’re not understanding how they’re impacting or affecting other people. They’re just acting. And that’s why some of us lose it or go crazy because we keep our issues to ourselves, you know? Women can go to their mothers, their sisters, friends and cry, vent, express themselves and feel better but men fee like they don’t have a platform for that. Not only do we not want to share, we also believe that our friends don’t want to hear it.
Bossip: Hm. That’s interesting. Now, in your book you talked about your father’s emotional instability which led to his resenting your mom, you and your siblings. What advice would you give to a man who’s feeling “trapped” or harboring resentment towards his wife, the mother of his children or his kids?
Dixon: It’s not manly. I don’t really know how to else to say that. There’s no sugar-coating this. A lot of men don’t understand the responsibility of being – well, for starters, a lot of men don’t know what a man is! As a man, his number one responsibility is his family, period. That is what a man is. A man is responsible for his family – protection, security, safety, stability, financially – all those types of things. My wife doesn’t worry about any of that at all and I wasn’t taught that! There was no one to teach me that. No one! My dad was in prison and my stepfather was crazy, there was no one around. It took me being blessed and saying to myself, “I have to figure this out.” It took me saying, “okay, I am not successful at relationships,” I had to accept that. That’s another thing that men do, men think they’re good with relationships and they say, “oh, it’s the woman,” or, “it’s 50/50, we both have problems.” No! I had to admit that I was not successful at relationships but I was good at other things. Professionally, I wasn’t going to loose and it wasn’t until I adopted the same attitude and applied it to my relationships that I became successful in my marriage.
Bossip: In your book, you talked about a situation where you were stringing two women along. The story was pretty funny, but, one of the women you were pretty serious about, right? We’ve all had that person who would have been a great match but the time wasn’t right. In your opinion, how important is timing?
Dixon: Mm. Well, I was emotionally unstable at the time. Cleo was her name and she shouldn’t have dated me, she knew who I was. There are too many women who know exactly where the man is, but they still continue to date him — he’s not going to change, he’s not going to be better. Women need to understand that a man is always going to do what’s best for him. You never have to tell a man to do what’s best for him or not to compromise this or sacrifice that because he’s not going to —
Bossip: That’s selfish. Are you saying that men are selfish by nature?
Dixon: Oh, absolutely! We are selfish by nature especially when to comes to relationships. We have to learn how to share and put other people first. Women kind of get that naturally, it’s nothing. It’s a motherly instinct and a natural inclination for women to want others to be happy. Women want their girlfriends to be happy! I get e-mails all the time from women about their girlfriends situations, I don’t get any e-mails from dudes about their homeboys … ever. We don’t care about each other like that to talk about those type of things. For women, it’s natural to put others before herself but for men it’s learned. I tell men all the time, when you’re in a relationship, there are certain things you have to do and a lot of men just don’t want to do them! Men have to be responsible! Men have to understand that you have to maintain your respect for your wife and she has to respect you! You can’t lose your respect. She doesn’t respect you and you have a problem because of the things that you do! You have to take responsibility for your actions. You’re running around making mistakes as if you’re single and still want her to respect you? For what? That’s not how manhood works. If she doesn’t respect you, then does not respect your manhood and she won’t follow your leadership.
Bossip: Wow, true!
Dixon: But let’s get back to women, though. What kills me about women is this: I talked to a woman yesterday who was dating a man who made very clear to her that he was separated from his wife, he wanted his wife back and if she were to call him today, he would go back to her. And her response was, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if you go back to your wife.” But a man would never accept that! If a woman told a man, “if my husband calls me today, I’m going back to him.” He would be like, “okay. I’ll holler at you another time,” or it would just be a sex thing.
Bossip: That’s crazy! But there are so many women out there who want to be in a relationship so badly, they’ll settle for that guy who’s still pining for his wife.
Dixon: It’s about the emotional bond that we all crave. In my book, I wrote about a woman I was dating and she was contemplating visiting her ex and I put forth my best effort to connect with her deeper, and she still went to visit her ex! I broke it off with her when she came back because no one can compete with the pre-existing emotions of a past relationship. You just can’t, there’s no way! You can’t really love more than one person, it’s very difficult to do that. For the most part, most people are only going to love one person, everybody else they like. That’s where a lot of women get caught up. If you’re dating a man that loves someone else, you’re going to be falling in love with him while his emotions are not developing because he’s in love with someone else. You’re free and clear emotionally and he’s not.
Bossip: Okay, hold up! A lot of women are jumping from relationship to relationship also! So a lot of times, they’re not emotionally free and clear either. The damage is done by both parties, really! Because, at the end of the day, no one wants to be alone.
Dixon: I feel like women are lowering their standards so far and the men aren’t even meeting that now. You can only lower you standards to a certain level. A man has to have some basic fundamental things that he brings to the table in order to be in a healthy relationship. If you’re in a relationship and he cheats on you three times, you can’t marry him! If you’re in a relationship with a guy and he still lives with his mama, you should know it’s not going to work. At least, date a man who wants to be in a relationship! You don’t date a man that you met in the club who tells you that he’s dating two women and he’s recently divorced. Why would you do that? You have to know that the guy you’re dating is datable, interested and available.
Bossip: But how do you know this when most men, as you say, are hoes?
Dixon: Men think women are hoes anyway. When a man meets a woman, we’re not looking at you as the mother of our children or the wife we’ve been dreaming about. We haven’t been dreaming about a wife! When we first meet a woman, what are we thinking about? Sex. Men don’t look at a woman and say, “wow, she looks really responsible. She is so fine, we would have a great relationship, a white picket fence, a dog and three kids.” No. We’re thinking about the night. You don’t have to give us your sex, that’s up to you. But what men do, is make a woman prove to us that she is woman and not a ho. We’re not going to just assume that she’s qualified to be in a relationship with us. A woman can decide if a man is worth investing in the first five minutes of meeting him. He hopped out the Benz, he has on a nice suit, he smells good, no ring and he’s a lawyer. And she’ll say, “Okay, he’ll make a great relationship partner.” A woman can jump out the same Benz, look just as good and is just a qualified but the man is not thinking about tomorrow at all, he’s thinking about tonight!
Bossip: Wow! Why?
Dixon: Because we’re not looking for no wife! Men are not running around looking for wives. You don’t really think that, do you? I’m not saying that we don’t want love, I’m saying we’re not looking for it. If we happen to find it, great! But that’s not what we’re looking for. Women walk around looking for love, looking for a relationship, looking for marriage. Men and women are completely opposite in terms of what we’re looking for when we meet. We don’t care what your credentials are when we meet you. We’re looking at how fine you are, how you look and how you smell, that’s it! We can’t tell from across the room how intelligent you are.
Bossip: Ugh! That is so primal! All men want is sex, then?
Dixon: Yes. But you don’t have to give it to us! The thrill is in the chase! Know what you’re doing and know what it is. Don’t think that because you have sex with him that you’re now an item or that you’re officially in a relationship. Don’t think your relationship has advanced any farther just because you had sex.
Bossip: Okay, Mr. Dixon! We’re running out of time here … any closing thoughts?
Dixon: I’m not saying any of this to discourage women. I’m saying, understand what you’re dealing with. Know that, yes, we want sex, get over that … and understand that you’re in control of your sex. It’s okay that a man wants you and wants to bed you but you have to teach him how to treat you. I’m writing a book now about how we have to teach each other how to treat each other. In the meantime though, get the book!
Bossip: Thank you, Mr. Dixon! Your time and candor is much appreciated!
Dixon: Thank you!
Okay, Bossip fam! This a really good read, if you want the raw, uncut truth about how a man’s mind works, get the book!
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