The Relationship Report – “The State of Manhood in America” – Part II

Steven James Dixon January 11, 2012 Comments

In Part I of “The State of Manhood In America” there was a statement that I made that I want to back up and break down:

“I believe that manhood is defined by how you love and provide for your wife and family.”

Many of the single men that I talked to did not like this definition of manhood. Many single men said to me “Manhood has nothing to do with whether or not I am married or single.” Then I would say “But when are you the most man? Manhood should be about the state at which you are the most man that you can be. Your full evolution of man.” This is the redefinition of manhood. Are there some single men that are more man then married men? – Sure. Can a man max his evolution while still in a state of singleness? – I don’t see why not. But what I am saying is that the average man that wants a marriage and family has to challenge himself. He has to challenge himself to meet the demands of the growth and development required, in specific areas, to have that successful marriage and happy family life. Those specific areas begin with but are not limited to: 1.) The Act of Loving 2.) Leadership 3.) Responsibility 4.) Communication 5.) Compromise 6.) Consistency 7.) Purpose 8.) Restraint 9.) Structure 10.) Planning.

Specified Areas By Example:

1.) I adopted an understanding that loving her is loving me.

2.) She is not going follow first, man has to exhibit leadership first.

3.) The single man is responsible for one person. The married man is responsible for at least two.

4.) Communication is on the job training. As a husband I had to develop better listening skills.

5.) I almost never compromised as a single man. Compromise is the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning now.

6.) I had no reason to be consistent as a single man. As a married man consistency is oooh so key to my ability to lead.

7.) As a single man my purpose in life was to make money. As a married man my purpose in life is to provide.

8.) As a single man I did not have anything that I would categorize as a restraint. As a married man I practice restraint on a daily basis.

9.) As a single man structure was not necessary. I could make decisions on the fly that did not have any impact on anyone else. As a married man life is too complicated to not have structure.

10.) Similar to structure, planning became more necessary as I have to now plan for more than just me.

- With @JacqueReid -

1985 – A trend is taking place. Fatherless homes / single mothers. The ripple effect of the dissolution of marriage. A male first becomes a man, then he becomes a husband and then he becomes a father. In that order. You are man before and it is not necessary for you to ever be a husband or father. But manhood is not about your ability to be physically a man. Oftentimes we forget that manhood is a combination of two words. “Man” and “Hood”. “Man” is a physical being. Checkout one of Webster’s dictionary meaning of the word hood:

Hood – a native English suffix denoting state, condition, character, nature, etc., or a body of persons of a particular character or class.

I am not even going to expound on that, I’m just going to let that marinate.

1987 – August 6, 9:00 PM. Thursday. After my 13th birthday party I told my Step-Father that if he wants to fight my mother going forward, he would have to fight me first. (I was more man at the age of 13 then most men are at the age of . . . well, the age that they are right now.)

2013 – In the future, I will still be old school. I need y’all to buy a couple more books so my wife doesn’t have to work. My goal is to require less and less of the money that she makes every day. Furthermore, I will never let her success negatively impact my manhood because my manhood is not defined by the money that she nor I make. DRUMROLL PLEASE . . . the redefinition of manhood:

Manhood – The recognition by man that he is the foundation of the family. The belief by man that he is blessed with the intestinal fortitude to carry his family on his back. The understanding by man that through his leadership and guidance that his family can overcome all obstacles. Man is tough. Man is solid. Man is smart. Man knows what he doesn’t know. Man can adjust. Man is focused. Man loves. Man provides. *Most importantly* man knows that his family is depending on him to exhibit a profound manhood.

I submit to you today that manhood has never been based on money. If you chose a good woman, if you chose a good woman, if you chose a good woman, then she doesn’t love your money, she loves you. Love is an action that can be displayed in many different forms. Let’s say that spending your money on your woman is a form of love. Then I would say that spending your time on her is a greater form of love. Then I would say that sacrificing for her is a greater form of love. Then I would say that showing her that you care about her is a greater form of love. Then I would say that being faithful to her is a greater form of love. Then I would say that letting her know that you appreciate her is a greater form of love. Then I would say that compromise is a greater form of love. Then I would say that fighting for your marriage or relationship is a greater form of love. Shoot, loving her is a greater form of love than spending money on her. For all those men who don’t know what loving her is, re-read these last six lines. THAT IS LOVING HER!

To read Part I of “The State of Manhood In America” click here!

I need my own TV Show.

I need my own Radio Show.

And a column.

I go hard like this all day. #AskAboutMe

I AM THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST.

Comments

  1. terrell ellis says:

    So you know that I love you and have put everything you have said into making my marriage work, but if this is the state of man, what can or if I can do anything to help my husbands manhood? I agree that there are a lot of depressed men out there, and as a good wife never leave your spouse down, but I cant make him seek help.

  2. KT says:

    I like that you repeated “if you choose a good woman” because that is KEY. The fact of the matter is there are NOT as many good women out there as they would like for us to believe. That may be an unpopular statement to make, but the truth is the truth.

    1. Marie says:

      There are good women out here, you just have to find us. We may not look like the air brushed models, or look a certain type but we have hearts of gold; it’s a shame that most men can’t recognize or notice a good women because they can’t get past the physical or past their freedom to ho like he said.

  3. Lyn says:

    Part 1 and Part 2 very good read. I passed this on to both my sons who are 32 and 28.

    As I was reading, the point that comes to me and has always been addressed in my growing up is that we woman must respect, our men. We must show them this respect by how we as woman carry ourselves how we talk and what we talk about. I was raised with old fashion values. I was married and my ex-spouse had a major problem that I, was making more money then he not considering that it was, our money. The value of our men has been distorted, distroyed and abandoned by woman who want to now wear both the skirt and the pants. My mother did not work, my father was military and then a self employed contractor. He took care of home but soon forgot about taking care of the mother which caused my mother to loose sight of him result, end of union. Though she never lost respect, she did loose trust. As you mentioned in short, the man must show leadership before he is followed. There is so much that can be said about the state of manhood, the thing is it starts with woman, in more ways than many. God created Adam and from Adam, Eve. We all know the story but the thing is, we are still in bondage becasue of those choices made in the Garden. But here is a reality, we woman and men can change it, but who will be the first to admit it. Must I stand alone in the boat of, I am not woman I aint roarin? Must I carry the picket sign stating, men you are valued, needed, appreciated and wanted, never give up? Ok maybe I am but I say this, there are many men and woman who are tired mentally, physically and emotionally, we need another million man march every month and we woman need to march with them. Say it loud-respect in more ways than many. Just a thought from a thinker.

  4. Grace says:

    I must say that I respect and admire the fact that you are speaking out to men and setting a standard which has been lost with men and relationships. As a single woman it is VERY hard to find a quality MAN! I believe it’s because many men have no guidance on how to have a health relationship. Keep doing what you are doing, it is refreshing and maybe many will follow your lead.

    P.S
    Lyn you are not alone, but I would say that: I AM woman but I AIN’T roarin’!! I will leave the roarin’ to the man. LOL!

  5. paula says:

    I luv luv luv your column…words of wisdom… It is refreshing to hear. My wish is that more men would actually listen and hear what you are saying to them…I am in total agreement with you when you say that “Men have to be the leader and when that happens the woman will follow…Keep doing what you do and maybe, just maybe the Men of the world will wake up and hear what you are saying…Because as you say…”you are the RelationshipBeast!!!”

  6. Fatima says:

    First, I would like to commend you for stepping up to the plate and taking on this challenging topic. It is good to see a young man doing this because of the breakdown in the family, especially the black family. The way I see it, we are still very much an oppressed people, which is why quality relationships are vitally important.

    Though I agree with much that is being stated in this article, I have to disagree on one statement you made. You stated that in 1960, many of the husbands during this time did not want their wives to work and the wife did not work because the man made a bunch of money and that he was the family’s only source of income. I have heard this before, but it is not true for the environment I grew up in. From what I know about our history in this country, from slavery to the present, most black women have always had to work outside the home.

    I am not sure about the percentage of women who worked outside the home prior to my birth, but I was born in 1953 in a rural south setting and every adult woman I know (except elderly women), both black and white, went to work outside the home. They either were factory workers, school teachers, housekeepers, baby sitters, nurses, farm workers, etc. Even though there was no question that the husband was head of the household, the husband was NOT the only source of income. Life was hardscrabble and from my perspective, people just did what they had to do to take care of their families.

    I had never heard of any of this nonsense about a woman working outside the home, independent women, and who made the most money, etc. until I moved to an urban area in 1973. I have pondered this over the years and have drawn the conclusion that it is all about the love of money, and the Bible clearly states that the root of all evil is the love of money. The idea that a man should be making more money than his wife is a socially-indoctrinated concept and if he writes a woman off because she makes more money than him, then he is only letting his ego get in the way of God’s calling.

    I want to piggyback off what you have already said in Part 2 of the topic but I want to state it in a different way. I especially liked what you said about the man exhibiting leadership first before the woman can follow. Leadership involves much more than money, it is about guiding the family down a Christ-centered path. There may be finance-based issues along the way but men should not allow their pride to get in the way of their wives’ careers, nor of her making money. That small bit of insecurity can cause a wide range of marital problems.

    The moment a man (this can be applied to women also) begin focusing on monetary superiority over the their spouse is the moment they have stepped out of touch with God and submitted to their own pride-driven priorities. And, then before long, financial tensions will begin to come into play in other areas of the marriage.

    In summary, the ten areas you laid out in the article are good, solid and healthy examples that can be used for the healing process in any relationship, and I pray that people will heed them.

  7. Brother you did it again. I like your post and every time I read one of your post. Its adding more tools to my manhood toolbox brother. Great article and I’m just like you when you said “money won’t define my manhood.”

  8. Claudette says:

    I loved the artical that prompted all this debate and I agree with everything that has been said, especially Fatima’s comments. I’m going through a hard time with my husband, we are both christians but he is being heavily influenced by the unsaved men, he works with. Everytime my husband opens his mouth it isn’t ‘his’ voice coming out. His friends are all adulterers and fornicators who neither like nor respect women and think we are only good for two things. This attitude is making him hostile towards me, it’s like hes been body snatched. I want my husband to have Godly influences but apart from praying, I am the only one fighting for my marriage.

  9. Hi there friend, I see your showing out as usual … in a GREAT way! I loved this post, but then again, I love them all, even the ones that have stepped on my own toes from time to time. You put a lot of ownership on men, but women should read these as well, too many of us are not sure about what a “Real Man” is anymore. As the Man grows, and transforms, we as women get to reshape our opinions, ourselves, and expectations of what is. Thank YOU!

    1. I AM THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST!

  10. Barbara says:

    Thank you for making it plaim, I’m printing this out for my 17 year old son…well said!

  11. Mike says:

    Such a great case for your point. The only thing I see that is missing here is the word “commitment”. The commitment to make things work when the marriage is not so fun. The commitment to love your wife even when she may not deserve it because you made an oath to do so. The commitment to be faithful to her. The commitment to be responsible for your family’s well-being.

    If men want to be the leaders that God intended us to be, then we have to be men of commitment. Willing to make promises and keep them. I will say this though, there are a whole lot of single men who would be good father’s and husbands and a lot of married men who are boys playing man and expecting their wives to do the hard stuff.