I have been single for almost 5 years. I have not been meeting men that I felt were interested in working and building a long term relationship. A couple of weeks ago along comes this great guy with all the things that I value in a man, I mean everything. Could this be true or should I question the fact that this is too good to be true? I’m so afraid to trust any man after the two bad experiences that I have had in my past. Those bad experiences caused me to take this five year break and work on me.
You don’t have to be afraid of men you just have to know what you are dealing with and know to leave if he deals you a bad hand. We only bite if you let us. You have to “DATE MORE & LEAVE EARLIER.” You sound like you are on the right track. Don’t be smart now and be love stupid later. Know your value, know your worth, know what you deserve and don’t accept anything less.
I dated a woman once that was not ready to be in a relationship because of what the last guy did to her. I really liked her but the constant doubt and questions drove me away. She was waiting on me to leave and the whole time I was trying to stay. She is still single to this day because of this! Women are often times so overly concerned with what the man is doing that they lose focus on what the WOMAN is supposed to be doing. In a relationship, a woman’s first priority is not to watch her man it is to be a woman. If you have to watch your man then you got the wrong man. If you already feel the urge to watch this man then you are probably not ready for a relationship. Go heal from what YOU HAVE LET men in your past do to you before you start a new relationship. Being a woman is about knowing your value and your own self worth. If you know that, it don’t matter what a man does because you are not going to put up with it.
Austin, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I saw a guy at the grocery store. I thought he was kind of cute so I smiled and went on my way to show him that I was as you say “Interested & Available” I get to my car and as I am backing out, he flags me down and we start talking….I kid you not, within 1 minute I knew his WHOLE life story…He is divorced with a child and has moved several times. I listened and we exchanged numbers….I left the conversation thinking “WTH”? I want someone to be honest and transparent but not within the first 5 minutes of meeting them. I think he may have called but he didn’t leave a message, so I dismissed him….I guess what I am asking is how many frogs are in the pond? I don’t want to continue to brush guys off, but the red flags are flying like China!
Don’t brush him off just yet. Remember, I want you to DATE MORE! (Not talking about sex.) Sounds like an honest guy to me. If he tracked you down in the parking lot you must have been attractive to him. Don’t call that number back, let him call you. No message, no call back. Teaching them how to treat you starts day one. When he calls back, depending on where the conversation goes, you may want to take a shot at asking him in a playful tone “Heeeey man, why did you find it necessary to share so much of your personal info upfront? Do you do that with every random chick you meet coming out of a grocery store?” This will catch him off guard. Don’t dwell on it. Ask your question and get in and get out.
Tulsa, OK – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I thought that we had a good enough relationship for him to at least be honest with me. I would have been so messed up about this situation a few months ago but since I have been reading your articles, I am better prepared to handle this situation emotionally. This man has been divorced for two years. We have been dating for a year and a half. We had been living together for about a year and all of a sudden two months ago he just didn’t come home. I finally tracked him down at his parents’ house. . . STOP RIGHT THERE! If you got to track a man to his Momma house . . . hold up, let me back that up a minute . . . if the male (not man) that you are dating has to be home by the time the street lights . . . huh? Oh, there is more . . . my bad.
He said that he does have feelings for me but he admits that he has not healed from his divorce so he asked me if we could just be lovers. I agreed to think about his proposition but told him what I wanted too. I am not backing down. You are so right that we need to date more and leave earlier. I really don’t know how to respond to what he asked me. I just don’t want to get screwed over. My instincts told me that he wasn’t ready. I knew he was depressed about his situation, I could tell that he had been upset about the way his life is going. I don’t want to kick him when he is down like everyone else has but I do have to protect myself. I don’t want to get screwed over and I really need your honest and straightforward, “tell it like it is” advice on this. Should he and I revisit this and just date each other again or is it time to just let this go and let him get his life together?
Let me just go line by line . . .
1. He asked me if we could just be lovers – NEW RULE: If you are just going to have sex with a guy with no chance of a relationship then the sexual act has got to go down at his house! (He don’t have no house. A rule is a rule. Not meant to be broken.) He can’t be coming to your house on “Autopilot Smash & Go”. Are you serious. ANOTHER NEW RULE: If you live with yo momma you can’t hit it. Honey do you realize how far he is from being able to take care of you and lead your household? You would have to have me on speed dial to survive and I would show you no compassion, I would charge you the same rates that Ms. Cleo use to charge.
2. I agreed to think about his proposition but told him what I wanted too – What part of sex with no commitment do you not understand? Your wants and his wants don’t mush. Someone has to win and you have already lost.
3. I am not backing down – Ok, so you just “backing it up?”
4. I really don’t know how to respond to what he asked me – What part of sex with no commitment do you not understand?
5. I just don’t want to get screwed over – What part of sex with no commitment do you not understand?
6. I could tell that he had been upset about the way his life is going – So you want to go that way also? Wait, are you trying to SAVE him? You can’t save a man. A man will pull you under with him every time.
7. Is it time to just let this go and let him get his life together – Let me answer your question with a question. How can a relationship work if one person’s life is not together? You ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? How can you expect someone to love you and be a good partner and he is trying to figure out shelter, food & water? YOU CAN’T SAVE HIM!!!
Atlanta, GA – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I’m a single mom w/ two boys 12 and 9, is that intimidating for a man? I would also like to know how can I relax a little more when I’m on a date or just out my children have even told me that I look serious or I come off mean at first sight.
It’s not intimidating but it is additional responsibility. You kids are who you are. You can’t change that. Don’t ever try to and don’t spend your time worrying about it. All you have to do is show a man that you can provide for your kids without his help and that your kids are well mannered and respectful. That’s the best that you can do and that’s all that you should be willing to do. Kids are blessings, not baggage.
Men don’t approach women who look unhappy. Why would we? It sounds to me like for whatever reason, you are not comfortable in your own skin. Happiness is a state of being. It is a decision. You have to be happy with who you are and where you are. I would advise you not to date until you figure that out.
Boston, MA – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast first let me say I’ve enjoyed your posts and reading the articles you’ve written. You speak the truth and that’s refreshing. Here’s my issue….I have trouble meeting men. I’m wondering, should I try online dating to meet men? I have every confidence that once I start meeting guys and dating more, I’ll find a suitable match. Despite a divorce and years in an unhappy relationship, I still have faith in love and marriage. And I know there is someone out there for me. I’m trying to follow your advice to date often and leave earlier 🙂
I have never participated in online dating but I have discussed it with many people. What I can’t figure out is why people get so easily frustrated with online dating. It is no different than regular dating, it’s just ONLINE. I say go for it but accept the fact that just because a man says he wants a relationship online, that doesn’t mean that he really does. Both men and women lie online and in person. Online dating is just another avenue. No guarantees, no better than regular dating.
Austin, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast Is it true that single “good” men don’t want the baggage of a child? I know it depends on numerous factors, but I have been burnt by that candle before and I don’t want to travel down that road again. The guys I have dated in the past didn’t have a problem with my child, but they were just dates, I wasn’t venturing into anything too serious with them. In other words.. I LEFT EARLY…lol! I know this is a double standard for me to say, but I don’t want a man with kids (selfish?) I don’t have a relationship with my child’s father unless he is getting our kid, then we communicate…I don’t have baby daddy drama, but I AM a baby momma and I know how that mess can play out 85% of the time I want someone who is able to focus on us and us alone( selfish?)…..I don’t want a man to pass me by just because I have a child…I am a package deal and I can’t change that…I don’t want to have to date some old decrepit man just to get someone who is ready to settle down either..lol…what gives!!! May I ask you: would you have marriage your wife if she had or didn’t have kids?? How serious would you be about a woman that had a child? Yeah I want an honest answer……I can take it!!!
See my answer above to Ms. Atlanta, GA. How you don’t want to date a man with kids when you got kids? You know that ain’t right! The audacity! Your problem is that you don’t want to date men with kids so you think that men with kids don’t want to date you. You will be single until you develop a better attitude and adjust your stance on that.
Chicago, IL – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I’ve run into so many men that tell me how wonderful I am. How supportive I am, how I good listener, always there when they need me, not a gold digger, kindhearted..etc. Yet, when it comes to a relationship they shy away. I’ve actually had a man tell me that he prayed for a woman like me and when I finally arrived he didn’t know what to do. Another man is use to dating inconsistent flaky women and continues to chase them. My question is: Why would a man not be interested in a woman that doesn’t play games and is genuine?
Some people like the drama. The heartache and pain caused to them makes them love that person more. You can’t concern yourself with this. All of these men passing on you are not good enough for you. You are a sweetheart, don’t let your impatience change that. God has a plan for you and you have to stay on course.
I have homegirls like you and their problem is that they hang around me too much. Go be girly, girl somewhere with the girls. I use to be able to see y’all friendly (presumed less freaky) types a mile away. When I would make your acquaintance, I would immediately put you in the “Friend Zone.” You will have to work a little harder and flirt a little bit more because of this. I talked to a woman in your position last week and had her immediately inform a guy that she was both interested and available. He asked her out on a date the next day!
Newark, NJ – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I have read your book “Men Don’t Heal, We Ho” I offered it to my husband, who definitely needs to read it, but he hasn’t yet. I need your input. I was married just recently. We have not been getting along. He refuses to put me first. He recently told me that when we got married, he was not in love with me and also that he only married me because he didn’t want to lose me. I feel this is the reason for his disrespect towards the marriage. I have had to deal with other females, not being first on his list, half-ass financial help. He is just not doing his part. I want a divorce, he says that I am a quitter, what is your take on this. We have no children together, I am buying my home, he now resides with his sister but my stepson, his son still lives with me. Any suggestions, he also claims that he doesn’t know how to be a husband and the things he does are not intentional, but I found that hard to believe. Sorry to bug you but I am at my wits end. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
I didn’t know how to be a husband when I got married either, but I figured it out the second time around. I want you guys to figure it out the first time around. Do you think that he would be willing to speak with me? Any wife that thinks that her husband would benefit from speaking with me email me the story, name and number: StevenJamesDixon@RelationshipBeast.com.
I don’t believe in divorce. Those first two years are extremely hard as you figure out how to get on the same page. Give it some more time. Don’t nag. Don’t complain. Make points, don’t try to have hours and hours of debates or arguments. You go be the best wife that you can be. You can’t tell a man what you deserve but you can show him what you deserve. SHOW YOUR WOMAN. Be the best wife in the world starting now and just chill, take a deep breath and hold it down for six more months and hit me back and tell me where you are.
Little Rock, AR – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I have been reading your responses and want to thank you for keeping it so real! I needed it. I was with my husband for 18 years. The last couple of years he was abusive so divorced him. I got out here and started dating again. Boy was I not ready for what I see. I have been in a couple of relationships since the divorce. The last one was with a man who “claimed” he was going through a divorce. I had my doubts. He did some of the same things as the questions in your column on October 20th. He would spend time with me and disappear for a few days. I questioned him on it but he said he was working. He cheated with a woman that lives in my neighborhood. When I caught him in it I told him that I would not tolerate cheating. I now see that I will have to be more careful. I’m a little afraid to date again. I have decided to date but I am not having sex with anyone while I’m doing it. I don’t want to get my heart caught up until I know what I am getting myself into. Am I on the right track?
You are absolutely on the right track! Congratulations! Do not be afraid, be smart. Scarey people don’t think well. Stay on your toes. Stay aware. Don’t look for anything but when you find out some disparaging news you have to act accordingly. A woman does not have to be fearful of a man, but she must be fearful of herself falling for that man and becoming blinded by love. I’m trying to teach women to stop saying that there are “Bad Men” out there as if they are shocked. “Oh my God, my man is not who he said he was! I’m shocked and appalled!” Yes, there are bad men out there. Bad women too! PEOPLE LIE! I am going to teach women to take responsibility for making bad decisions instead of blaming all the relationship problems on “Bad Men”.
Let me be clear, because I know I am going to get some emails on this! (Keep sending the angry emails! I love all the feedback!) I am not excusing men. I AM WORKING ON THE MEN! My principle is that “All relationships are either successful or they fail based on the leadership of men.” But until I get more men to adopt my principle I need women to be able to figure out the difference between a good man and a bad man. There are signs, you are just not paying attention. Search for my article “10 Things To Look For In A Man”.
Dallas, TX – Dear Mr. RelationshipBeast I am in a relationship with this guy who said that he is ready for a relationship, but to me he doesn’t make the time, I think he needs to make out relationship work out. I try to do little thing which we can do together for the quality time, but every time I come back to ask him if we going to do it he gives me an excuse. This man is talking about getting married. What should I do?
Don’t marry him. If you marry him, he will get worst. You have to fight all your battles and fix as much as you can before you get married. Sounds like you need to “Date More & Leave Earlier.” I really don’t understand the line “The man is talking about getting married.” My response is SO WHAT!!! WHO CARES!!! Marriage is hard work and you have to decide if he is willing to put in the work to have a successful marriage. You let him sling around the “M Word” and he gets a free pass to do whatever he wants? Shoot I married my woman and I still don’t get to do whatever I want. (Can you talk to my wife please on Facebook – LaMechia Dixon. Maybe you two can discuss me gaining a bit more flexibility. Thanks in advance!)
Stop what you are doing right now and order my book on iTunes. You way past sitting by yourself reading, you need some one talking to you. GET THE AUDIOBOOK!
Negotiate down to a small destination wedding. My wife and I got married in Miami with 50 of our closest friends & family. It was perfect.
To everyone else in these 5+ year relationships . . . if you date a man longer than 5 years that is your fault, not his. Know your value. Set yourself an ultimatum, don’t worry about what he is doing. Have your own personal goal for the relationship. If you have given a man the best of you and he does not respond accordingly, it’s time to move on.